Guilt and Worry. You are NOT My Friends.

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Guilt and Worry. You are NOT My Friends.

 

I was born and raised with it.  I am even raising my kids with it.  I feel it everyday.  Not just through my own doing, but all around me.  Others inflict it on me.  And I let them.  Still. This thing I speak of is GUILT.  Its best friend is worry.  They go hand in hand.  I worry that I inflict guilt on my children.  I worry that I make others feel guilty about things.  I worry that I will never escape the dreaded feeling of GUILT.  I was a pretty bad teenager, from what I remember and the stories people care to tell me of my bad behavior growing up.  I never felt deliberately bad.  I never even suffered from that awful feeling of guilt.  I fought it tooth and nail and ran in the opposite direction of guilt.  But it crept on me like a dark shadow following me everywhere I went.  I let it in the door after I became a mother.  Maybe that is one of the many gifts of motherhood, I guess.  I could hear the voice of my mother in my ear, as I repeated similar phrases to my girls to make them feel guilty about something…but why?  Learned behavior is what I am hoping. Because I quite honestly despise the feeling…

The guilt of eating the wrong things, saying the wrong things, not including someone in a plan, not helping someone enough, or not fighting hard enough to end a fight or not knowing when to just let something go…

 

I admit I use guilt to make myself better sometimes.  I say something or write a comment on a social media outlet to release some bad feeling I am having towards that person or situation, or maybe want to say ALOT more, but it is controlled by a smaller possible snide comment…I am a firm believer in saying what you think, but know that comes at a high risk…so I opt for this somewhat tacky and stealthier version of making someone feel bad…it is a mean and childish thing to do, but in comparison to someone that is being hurtful or dishonest with me, it feels right…for a split second.  That must be that “bad girl” in me that everyone was talking about when I was a kid…then the motherly side comes out and slaps me across the face, and tells me to grow up. Take it back.  Don’t try to make someone feel bad because they made ME feel bad…that was their choice.  And I have a choice too.  To behave as badly, if not worse than the other person, or let it go

 

Whoever wrote that Disney song, knew what they were talking about.  I feel like I am saying this phrase to myself and kids more and more now…let it go.  The drama, the hatred, heartache, sadness, and of course, the guilt.  We can only let people make us feel these ways…I do, so I know it is possible.  I need to stop the vicious cycle and move away from it.

I beg my girls to stay out of drama, yet it still seems to find them, and then sucks us as parents into its sticky web.  When my husband and I get stuck in this web, we inevitably seem to take the worst blows. We are blamed for all of it somehow, and even when we try to “play nice” it bites us in the rear end. I feel guilty for ever getting involved in any of these situations, where we felt like we were trying to diffuse the situation but it always seems to turn into a battleground somehow…not sure why, but as I have said before,  I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and that when we have opened the “gates” for honest talking with people, it turns out to be the demise of a relationship…as if it was brewing for ages under the surface.  I ache knowing that the outcomes of these blowups could have ended more amicably, but they don’t.  They are sad endings to long relationships that maybe were over long ago, and we just were too naïve to notice it coming or too busy worrying about this very thing happening at some point and biting our tongues to avoid it… we have taken them all on the chin and added it to the checklist of LIFE and GROWING UP…live and learn.

So next time I start to say something to make my daughter feel guilty for not coming home to spend time with us, or think about something I said to a dear one that could’ve been said nicer, or remember how someone tried to make me feel bad,  I need to remind myself to let it go…I cannot change the past, but I can steer clear of guilt and its best friend worry…they won’t be welcome, and when they come to my door and try to turn the knob and enter into my life again, I will simply tell them to “let it go”…

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