Monthly Archives: March 2015

Wacky Women.

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ww2  I am not sure I can stomach one more story on this disturbing topic….Wacky Women.

     And People Magazine on my Facebook news feed seems to find every single wacko in this country.

     Either People is obsessed with making us women look like we are out of control, deranged, psychopaths… or it really and truly is becoming a tragic state of affairs in our country.

     Are hormones the culprit? Combined with stress/single-parenting/abusive family history?

     Torturing their children. Murdering them. Hiding them in a freezer while you still live in that house with two other children. Stabbing your spouse       over salsa??????

WHY?

These are just a few of the nauseating and insane examples of my constant updates from People (which I am about to unfollow due to lack of mindless celebrity gossip and enough violent and heartbreaking stories to create years of Lifetime movies) and even local news in our quiet little beach town…“used a large meat cleaver to threaten a male acquaintance”.  Why does one need to own a meat cleaver in the first place?

All joking aside…what IS going on in this world? T.M.I.?

Social media overload when there is nothing else to talk about? Or are women really and truly going mad?

My healthy side would love to blame gluten and G.M.O.’s.

And my p.m.s.’ing self would love to blame hormonal imbalances.

I fear menopause may make me crazy. I skip over that show Snapped whenever it is on, afraid I may be like one of those crazy mommas some day. When I have the rare opportunity to have complete control of the remote, I go straight for the happy-go-lucky channels…DIY…cooking…home decorating…with the occasional splurge of Real Housewife drama to make me feel like a grownup.  But then I wonder how these crazy fame/money-hungry women found rich men insane enough to marry their sorry diva butts to show off on national t.v.  And most importantly, why  am I putting more money in their lazy/sorry pockets by watching them whine and complain behind each other’s backs , making asses of themselves in public, all due to large doses of wine since breakfast.

I added People to my long lists of “likes” way back when Facebook was just getting started with poking and snowball fights. Up until recently, the articles were what was to be expected. How awesome Kim Kardashian’s rear end looked in black leggings for the millionth time or what celebrity Mom left the hospital in her size 2 skinny jeans after delivering a baby…all due to breastfeeding of course.

These wacky women posts have replaced my idiotic celebrity gossip with horror that keeps me up at night.

Where are these women hiding? 

 I hope I never tick one of them off at the playground.

It is definitely not just women, regardless of what People magazine says…it is a wacky world.

I will take the good with the bad yet again as I did when I was a kid (always watch the scary movie first, then the comedy).

I will read the bad news first about us wacky women in our wacky world when I pick up a copy of People (no more newsfeed on Facebook for me) at the Doctor’s office, then check in with Celebrity News on who Leonardo DiCaprio is dating this week.

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He Would Be Proud.

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He Would Be Proud.

Reblogging this today for my favorite guy…miss you Grandpa. Three years without you is too long.

Karma Is A Funny Thing

Yesterday was a big day for me.  Like a REALLY big deal.  Not as a big as delivering a baby or getting married “big”…more like important. More like accomplishment.

I told my story in one of my first blogs a few months back, of my journey to find good health for myself…I needed it badly for peace of mind that I wasn’t going crazy…wasting days, months, and even years of dieting and being frustrated with myself.  I was beginning to believe it wasn’t my thyroid, or age…it was the dreaded depression that was a symptom of all of those possible illnesses that I suffered from.  I was sad…I wanted to give up on myself. I couldn’t stand to look at myself anymore…who was this person that I have become?

I am not that mommy that runs five miles every morning or gets to work out in some fancy…

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Pinning Things And P.M.S.

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Pinning Things And P.M.S.

Warning: This blog is written by my alter ego, who shows up

once a month for an unwanted visit…sometimes staying a little longer than we want her too.

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She is rude, annoying, and causes upheaval in my household every time she visits.

I promise to not let her get a hold of my blog again in the future.

I never knew Pinterest could be so therapeutic.

I just sat in silence for ten minutes pinning the heck out of stuff on Pinterest in search for a recipe to fulfill a craving  that my alter ego is in search of, instead I wound up looking into a cure for why I am so cranky today.

I honestly do know why I am cranky right now…

AND why my two teenage daughters are as well…

“We’re All In This Together”

 

(insert sarcasm and catchy teen movie music)

 

For years it was about three weeks of hell-taking turns p.m.s.’ing in this house. One of us down for the count, then another…and another.

Tip-toeing around each other, trying to be supportive yet cursing each other out under our breath.

And then we started that beautiful, yet wicked balance of hormonal harmony… How exciting for my husband and friends and family…be done with it all around the same time, and then our true sweet selves come home as the alter egos pack their bags and leave.

When I am not p.m.s.’ing, I truly do sympathize with my husband and the other males in our lives for all that we put them through on our hormonal roller coaster rides.

I do.

Not today…but maybe in a week or two I will care again. Because right now, I swear at some points in the day, I truly think there is Male P.M.S.

 In actuality, this is obviously just them reacting to our charming alter ego.

So back to the grand world of pinning stuff…there are dozens, if not hundreds of remedies, articles, quotes, and images all relating to the terrible, not so nice world of P.M.S.

The quotes mock us…but made me laugh…for the first time all day.

The images tell us what we should eat…avoiding all cravings…

Not gonna happen. 

I will just head back over to the page of all things gooey and chocolate.

The articles… after reading one or two remedies/cures/explanations, my oh-so-charming self started saying “blah, blah, blah…I get it” (not very nice of me, but it is sadly how it goes).

I despise this time of the month.

But fear what the next chapter of middle-aged hormonal imbalance will bring…so I guess I will tolerate this chapter a little longer, and try to be on my best behavior.

I will take my vitamins. I will avoid all things sweet. I will not drink alcohol. I will smile and persevere… 

All lies.

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At least I am being honest.

 I will admit the card quotes on Pinterest are truly making me smile…

Bonus for day one of Alter Ego vs. The Real Me.

 I will try my best to be good…in a bad sort of way.

Complete Sentences.

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Not sure when the last time was that I was allowed to or able to finish a sentence.  Since I became a parent, I feel as if I let my family railroad my voice…making their opinions/situations/discussions more important than my own.frazzled[1]

So I will take my Blog/Soapbox to speak my mind…

Oh wait.

I forgot what I was going to say…I guess it wasn’t that important anyway.

Or maybe it was…and then that just plain old stinks…because I may have really had some groundbreaking news that will awaken me in the middle of the night…then what?

Blog it? Journal it? Facebook it?

Facebook Soap Box

Sometimes I may just do that, and I have…which is actually how I started blogging.

I woke up in the middle of the night back in the summer wondering what in the world to do with all my crazy thoughts…especially those sentences that never see the period or question mark or even a stinking exclamation mark (because what I had to say was just that damn good!).

Hence months of writing and venting and trying to make myself or others laugh.

I am quickly going to finish typing this as my husband has just walked in for dinner after a long day, and the kids begin to ambush him/us about their days...let the chatter begin…I may or may not get a word in edgewise...dinner

Laugh out loud…

Nah…not tonight.

Between the whining and hungry kids with lots to say…I am not holding my breath.

Maybe tomorrow night.

Sisters.

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Sisters.

I have two.  And they are precious to me. If you asked me twenty years ago, or even thirty years ago, I may have said differently. But as I grow older, I realize I truly cannot live without them. They are my best friends, my confidantes, my source of gossip or laughter when I need it most.

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I hope they feel the same...

I am pretty certain  thedo.  They would agree our younger years we were rough. We clung to each other through the dark days of divorce, dating and remarriage of our parents. We fought, but also played hard. Barbies were our other best friends…as were forts made out of mattresses, bike riding through the woods, mud pies with ink berries, and catching frogs.

I wouldn’t change any of it…for a second.

It made us who we are today.

I have three daughters as well. I honestly thought God was torturing me when I realized this-I am raising three girls that will torture me as we tortured our mother...it was me and my sisters all over again…minus the misery.

But dear oh dear do my girls seek out the drama, and think that it is them against the world. Sometimes…not as often as me and my partners in crime…but I can relate.

My inspiration for this blog tonight was from a beautiful moment I shared with two sisters today.

The way they grabbed each other when they first saw each other, and held hands, and smiled…was just unforgettable.

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My ninety-four year old Grandmother and her little sister of ninety-one, came together possibly for the last time today. We have said this before, and these two feisty ladies have proved us all wrong.

But knowing that time is precious for them more so than someone much younger (we all hope), they were determined to see one another. My Grandmother doesn’t remember much these days, but she knew her sister.

I was proud to be a part of this bittersweet reunion…and pray there are more. 

One of my sisters was missing today, but I know she would loved this day as well. When we are together, we get devilish and giggly. We adore family, and love the time we share together, even if it isn’t very often.

We three are in different places in life, with children, relationships, jobs…we kvetch about the little things and big, and look forward to those time together when we can do it some more.

We laugh at our childhood memories and tell each other almost everything…and then worry about the stuff we are not sharing.

This is my wish…

I want to be my Grandma and Aunt someday…I want to sit with my sisters on either side of me(I am the middle sister, so I get the say so) when we are in our nineties, and hold their hands and remember warm summer nights with fireflies, and big wheels, fights and laughter…

The Wedding.

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The Wedding.

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I remember my wedding day vividly. Family, friends, the dress, the weather…the moment.

The moment when I realized I was not alone in this world anymore…I had this person who I trusted with my heart and soul to be by my side forever.

I took my vows seriously, and still do to this day.

After many ups and downs and life slapping us in the face a few too many times, we are still holding strong. Through the sick part, good and bad…

 Until the end…

I have watched the women in my family live by their vows and swore to myself as a young bride to follow in their footsteps. They too have had their challenges…and their losses.

It is on days like today,  as we women come together with the love and support of family and friends, to hold each other up and remember our special day when we took our vows as we will witness my cousin do today. We will remember the men and women we lost, those who lived each day to strengthen their bonds with their partners and honor their commitments.

We will keep them close to our hearts today and maybe shed a tear that they are not sitting next to their partners, but these strong-willed spirits will then give us the courage to smile and remember them fondly…

These special moments are etched in our minds forever, as they were for my grandparents almost seventy-five years ago and will be for my cousin and her soulmate seventy-five years from now.

We will smile sweetly remembering our wedding day, then weep a little at the realization at how time goes so fast…and how much can change in an instant.

The wedding day will be celebrated today for two beautiful people starting a journey of good days and bad, surrounded by their loved ones who will lift them up and protect them when they need it most.

Toast to the bride and groom…

A lifetime of smiles to warm your hearts…

Strength to keep you moving forward…

Love to blanket your lives together…download

Blogs.

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Blogs.

I was just checking in to see what is up on my stats (for the fiftieth time today) and what might be freshly pressed.

Which had me thinking what this blogging business is all about.

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Is it just merely editorials for writers that don’t get that big job at a newspaper or magazine they really wanted to write for,  a new type of career path for writers, or for moms like me who have a lot to say about something and sometimes nothing at all, or even those b.s.’ers that claim you can make thousands a month writing a blog? STILL waiting for that big fat check to arrive…

Are they open journals about feelings and life, or heartache and happiness?

As I scroll through, the titles catch my eye sometimes, as well as the featured image.

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But still cannot understand how this blogging business got so popular…

I remember back in the day of Myspace, they added a new section on profiles to add a blog…say what?

I had to ask my husband  what this “blogging” was all about… but he was also clueless, and so I just wound up ignoring it. I’m sure I had plenty to say back then, and would blog like a mad woman if I had known what to do with a blog.

So as I see blogs about blogging or religion…or life as we moms or humans see it, I am reminded that it is a current modern trend that I must simply embrace as an outlet for venting of my life’s mundane and not-so mundane moments.

I would like to think that I am a blogger now (one of millions)…whatever that may mean in the big scheme of things…I love it.

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Cheater.

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Cheater.

I know what happens when I cheat. But I still do it. More and more. It is like a drug. I cannot control that impulse.

I hate cheaters.

I grew up hating cheaters. It was embedded in my core that cheaters are no good.

And yet, here I am…cheating.

It may not be as bad as what I was told growing up. I can fix it…I can repair the damage that is done.  But how long will that feeling last and when will the cheating not be enough? Will I give up on everything for the sake of cheating?

I know I have a good thing. I finally have stability and happiness. 

But that obviously meant nothing. I did it knowing that my imaginary Family Bible full of do’s and don’ts says “Thou Shall Not Cheat”…I am a sinner in the eyes of my family, and now that I am realizing it myself…I have sinned against myself most importantly.

I am not a Holy Roller…but I believe (as I may have stated many times before) that everything happens for a reason…even my cheating.

I am guessing that my realization and guilt of cheating more and more is becoming a problem for me…and it has to stop...now.

I am not making light of an actual cheater,(one who has a relationship with someone else while married or committed to another), and the hurt and pain that causes or how it can destroy an entire family in an instant…grew up in that world and take it very seriously.

I am talking about me...my cheating with food. The love of my life…because in that Family Bible there may have been a hefty section regarding food…eat it, smother it on your face, let it make you sick or fat or sad…do whatever you want with it…it’s o.k

Food is my cheat.

I have taken the last year of my life to find that peace within myself and to understand my conditional relationship with food and my health and why I let it control me, and done really well. I am not dieting anymore, I am living…better. I eat what I want. I follow a list of restrictions, which was overwhelming at first, but not because I want to lose weight (and I have lost over thirty pounds of which I am very proud of but not focusing on too much), but because I want to learn how to live healthier and happier… not to just be skinny again for a few months, only to slowly add the weight and misery back on again.

And I was.

I made it through the holidays…usually my worst time with cakes and candy and heavy meals.

Soooo, I say to myself today, why have I cheated? I don’t know…I just wanted a cookie…albeit a gluten free one, but still a cookie. Or a few french fries…or a mixed drink…whatever it has been, I have paid the price afterward.

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Cheating does not sit well with me, literally. 

I follow a strict and fulfilling diet for several health reasons. I eat as clean as I can and have stuck to it for the most part, for almost six months now.

When I have unknowingly or knowingly cheated, I feel awful. Maybe similar to the guilt one may feel after really cheating, but more a physical feeling versus emotional.

But this is where the emotional part is catching up to me…I don’t want to cheat. I love this new way of life…so why am I doing it? Boredom? Being stuck in the house with kids and treats on yet another snow day? I don’t know…but it has to stop.

I have big plans for when this cold miserable weather takes a vacation and lets Spring come back to work in its place…

The pain is not worth it.

                                                                     The guilt isn’t either.

My brain and my stomach and my heart are fighting each other…and now I am going to be my own mediator and tell them to stop…make peace with one another.

What has happened in the past, stays in the past.  I cannot take back the harm I have done but I need to move forward, just breathe and let it go…

Wish it were that simple for real cheaters…