I am not exactly sure what this means in the computer world, but I know it is very similar to how I am feeling this week.
Not sure why I am feeling this way, possibly because there is SO much going on right now, that I have shut down.
I tried to shut it down yesterday. Needed a RESTART button. I felt like I had to force myself to be happy when I woke up yesterday.
I did try.
And then I crumbled. I cried.
And cried some more. I don’t think I have cried that much in a while.
Then I just felt numb…
Blank. Void. Empty.
I thought maybe I should try to blog it out…get it all out in verbal diarrhea. But in the blankness, I felt like I have been failing at blogging as well…so why bother.
Woe is me…
I wanted to kick myself in the shins and tell myself to buck up. But I couldn’t. I needed to get it out. I haven’t felt that out of control of my feelings in a while…I would try to go about my day, so I didn’t keep upsetting the little ones…and the big kids too. They were great and supportive but it brought them down too. It wasn’t fair.
But I had to.
There truly is so much going on right now, that I think I had been holding it all back for so long, that it erupted like a volcano. Oozing tears and sobs all day long.
I am okay now.
I needed those tears to wash away all of the stress and denial that I had been avoiding…the reality.
Life has been changing in this house at warp speed…high school graduations, college plans for two teens, countless summer jobs and schedules, sickness, cancer, family struggles, a growing business…it might seem petty compared to other problems that people are facing, but it hit me hard…all of us. But I guess, me being the most emotional in the house, I sucked it all up for the team.
I cried a little a graduation on Monday night, but it really and truly didn’t hit me until yesterday.
How different our lives will be in a few short weeks…forever.
The biggest blow has been with my in-laws…I came to realize how much I took them for granted…babysitting our kids at the drop of a hat…showing up for any and all things family-related…stepping in with preparations for parties days before and making food and treats for all occasions…and just simply always loving us unconditionally.
I have always known they love us and support us unconditionally, but not as much as until yesterday…maybe it is because I felt like I needed them right now…but they cannot be here. They just can’t. I wouldn’t dare ask them.
They have more important challenges right now, and a long road ahead…
My whining about all this despair and misery pales in comparison to what they are dealing with right now…shame on me.
But I had to.
I will not allow myself to feel guilty about this anymore…I had to find clarity and wash away all the confusion and muck in my brain.
I did it.
I woke up today feeling better…not great, but manageable. I am putting my best foot forward. I recharged my batteries on the beach today with my little ones, with the glorious sun blazing and a light ocean breeze keeping us cool…
I am not blank anymore…
I am blessed.