I know what happens when I cheat. But I still do it. More and more. It is like a drug. I cannot control that impulse.
I hate cheaters.
I grew up hating cheaters. It was embedded in my core that cheaters are no good.
And yet, here I am…cheating.
It may not be as bad as what I was told growing up. I can fix it…I can repair the damage that is done. But how long will that feeling last and when will the cheating not be enough? Will I give up on everything for the sake of cheating?
I know I have a good thing. I finally have stability and happiness.
But that obviously meant nothing. I did it knowing that my imaginary Family Bible full of do’s and don’ts says “Thou Shall Not Cheat”…I am a sinner in the eyes of my family, and now that I am realizing it myself…I have sinned against myself most importantly.
I am not a Holy Roller…but I believe (as I may have stated many times before) that everything happens for a reason…even my cheating.
I am guessing that my realization and guilt of cheating more and more is becoming a problem for me…and it has to stop...now.
I am not making light of an actual cheater,(one who has a relationship with someone else while married or committed to another), and the hurt and pain that causes or how it can destroy an entire family in an instant…grew up in that world and take it very seriously.
I am talking about me...my cheating with food. The love of my life…because in that Family Bible there may have been a hefty section regarding food…eat it, smother it on your face, let it make you sick or fat or sad…do whatever you want with it…it’s o.k.
Food is my cheat.
I have taken the last year of my life to find that peace within myself and to understand my conditional relationship with food and my health and why I let it control me, and done really well. I am not dieting anymore, I am living…better. I eat what I want. I follow a list of restrictions, which was overwhelming at first, but not because I want to lose weight (and I have lost over thirty pounds of which I am very proud of but not focusing on too much), but because I want to learn how to live healthier and happier… not to just be skinny again for a few months, only to slowly add the weight and misery back on again.
And I was.
I made it through the holidays…usually my worst time with cakes and candy and heavy meals.
Soooo, I say to myself today, why have I cheated? I don’t know…I just wanted a cookie…albeit a gluten free one, but still a cookie. Or a few french fries…or a mixed drink…whatever it has been, I have paid the price afterward.
Cheating does not sit well with me, literally.
I follow a strict and fulfilling diet for several health reasons. I eat as clean as I can and have stuck to it for the most part, for almost six months now.
When I have unknowingly or knowingly cheated, I feel awful. Maybe similar to the guilt one may feel after really cheating, but more a physical feeling versus emotional.
But this is where the emotional part is catching up to me…I don’t want to cheat. I love this new way of life…so why am I doing it? Boredom? Being stuck in the house with kids and treats on yet another snow day? I don’t know…but it has to stop.
I have big plans for when this cold miserable weather takes a vacation and lets Spring come back to work in its place…
The pain is not worth it.
The guilt isn’t either.
My brain and my stomach and my heart are fighting each other…and now I am going to be my own mediator and tell them to stop…make peace with one another.
What has happened in the past, stays in the past. I cannot take back the harm I have done but I need to move forward, just breathe and let it go…
Wish it were that simple for real cheaters…