Category Archives: love

One Year.

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One Year.

One year is a long time.

365 days.

8,760 hours.

525,600 minutes.

And so on.

That IS a lot of time.

But what if?

What if someone said…that is all you’ve got left…

That’s it.

Well, then I am counting seconds too…31,556,926 seconds.

Each and every thousand of them.

And hoping that there is more than that…but if not? What would I do?

Well, knowing my weepy self…cry for atleast 12 of those hours…maybe steal a few more.

But on the hour I DO decide to stop feeling sorry myself, I will hopefully realize this…

I was just given  a gift.

My greedy butt was just given the Golden Ticket.

I would now know that I just wasted 43,200 seconds feeling sorry for myself. That I had places to go and people to see, and could have been half way to Disney with my family in the amount of time I spent blowing my nose and wiping my tears away.

So now that I have realized the Gift that has been given to me…the all-knowing…the fortune teller…the life sentence…whatever I compare it to…it came into my life for reason.

I will be THAT person…

I will travel, snuggle, kiss, hug, love hard, clean my house less, laugh more, get sad less.

I can be sad, but why? I know that each snuggle with my babies or husband means even more now…I should have known that before…but I didn’t…who truly does?

Those giggles or games of hide and seek with my kids, or seeing their faces light up one more time when they see Mickey Mouse or their favorite Princess at Disney, or when we pack up for a long full day at the beach…and then they all collapse…a sweet deep sleep after fresh sea air, hearts and bellies content and so full of love, and happiness. And I would stand over them, and be able to smile…and maybe shed another tear or two…as I realize that these are the moments that count…making memories of joy and happiness.

And even when the bad days might come, reminding my self that the Golden Ticket was given to me for a reason…

That I need to make amends…fight it out and make up…stop giving twenty second hugs…make them forty.

This is my fantasy plan of one year.

It is isn’t fair for anyone to ever receive that message…when someone has hopes and dreams and deserves to see them unfold just like any other person does…but it does happen.

I promise myself, that if it ever does…

I WILL let myself cry at all the things I may miss out on.

Then smile…and realize that every second counts… I will make the most of each and every moment...all 31556926 seconds of them.

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A Few Good Men.

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I don’t usually write two posts in one day, but  I just have to.

There are a few good men in my life. I won’t name any names, but they know who they are. Well, except for my three year old, since he cannot read this yet…but he knows I adore him.

We have faced some serious challenges recently…but none nearly as bad as some of my favorite men…

I love them. They love me…unconditionally. Some may not be blood, but I have grown to realize this does not matter anymore…it is who sticks around, even when things get tough, that matter most.

And they matter…a lot.

It is not my journey or my story to tell for these men, but all I can do is let them know this…

I love them…I really and truly love them with all of my heart.

They watched me grow from a dark and confused young woman, into a frazzled and loving mother and wife.

They have listened to me cry, and fight and whine and suffer.

They have hugged me and loved me even when they thought I was wrong.

There may be distance between us now…but only in miles, not feelings.

I love them with all of my heart for loving me, and my husband and my family unconditionally.

They are good, good solid men.

They have been hurt, but continued to stand tall. They have loved and lost, but still stand strong in their hearts…

I will love these men till the day I die…

My little guy has a handful of amazing role models and some big shoes to fill…but he can do it…

He is learning well.

Fear.

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Fear.

We all have a little of it. Or if you are anything like me, a lot.

I am afraid of everything.  Spiders, flying, heights, death…

Nothing too out of the ordinary in the fear department,  but enough to leave my nerves raw at times.

I get it...when I am outside, that is a spider’s home so they will forever exist…as long as they are outside. I didn’t invite them for a visit or even to dinner…so amscray!

Flying I have been told is safer than driving…not sure I buy that one in this day and age of missing aircrafts and terrorism, but from a safety standpoint,  fine. And associating turbulence with a bumpy road in a car helps calm my nerves…sometimes.

The heights thing…well this one is just plain annoying/gut-wrenching/knee-shaking fear. I’m embarrassed to admit the second floor in the mall terrifies me. My kids are gently warned to stay away from the railing(probably more because if they had a problem over there, I would not be able to help) and just leave Mama be…nonchalantly hugging the windows and walls as we slowly make our way to a destination.

Death.  Well, the other fears just look ridiculous when comparing them to this one.

Death freaks me out more now as a mother and wife than ever before.

I fear getting sick and leaving my children too soon. I fear my husband getting sick and leaving me jobless and with a house full of kids and broken hearts.

I fear accidents that could alter our world in any given moment to any of our loved ones or even myself.

I fear loss...loss of a loved one so dear.

I have lost many loved ones…and it never gets easier. Never.

But losing someone or thinking it could be me or my husband, is just simply unbearable.

My fears, I am learning (even as I write this), are based on lack of control…I don’t know how to fly a plane, or keep bugs away, or stop my head from spinning when I get up too high.

I can conquer them in one way…

Never fly again. Squash every spider that enters my house. Never go to the second floor in the mall again.

I could maybe even conquer my fear of death…do not allow myself to love or get close to anyone, for fear of losing them. To give up on my health and do whatever I want, eat whatever I want and just stop worrying about it all…

Become numb to everything around me.

It is possible…

I may not be a scaredy cat anymore by becoming numb, but I will be all alone…

With lots of memories…

Like the countless times of running scared when seeing a spider in my house and my kids running in circles around me, laughing as I climb up on a sofa to get away from that tiny little bugger…

Or of when I would have to stop and grab onto a wall like Spiderman in the mall as panic sets in (looking like a complete weirdo), glaring at my husband and kids who were trying to be supportive and steer clear of me, but not hiding their giggles as they watch my discreet web-slinging action along the windows of countless storefronts.

Or maybe even forget about all the amazing trips we took together as a family, exploring the world together, or even flying yet again last week (after years of mentally blocking out the possibility of ever flying again) and meeting the most inspiring woman I could ever imagine sitting next to on a plane…

Trying to forget all these strange yet beautiful memories shared with my loved ones…

I could do all of that and let fear control me…and it might actually work…

Or even worse…

Waste more precious time being afraid…

Instead of realizing I should have just lived.

fear

Sappy But True.

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Sappy But True.

 

 

I love my husband.  I REALLY love my husband. Some people may gag at that thought. I am not a “sappy” person, so for me to write this open “love” note to my husband is a tad over the top for me.  But he deserves it.

We met nineteen years ago.  We dated casually.  We lived across the street from each other in a hip little town. He was a surfer that managed a surf shop.  I owned a coffee house.  He would throw the biggest and best parties in town.  Everyone knew him.  And he liked ME. Well, and two other girls…but that is why I say we dated casually.  I tease him about that to this day, but I had also dated another person at the time too so we were not really taking relationships too seriously yet. 

Life got sticky. Family. Work. Money. I went away. He didn’t return my calls. Ouch.

I came back a few weeks later, and moved on from him. Got my head in the game of work, work, and more work.  No more boys and parties to distract me…nope not me.

Then he appeared again. With his blond hair, ski sweater( It was January), and huge smile. Not biting. He asked me on a REAL date…not a beer and fries kinda date at the local Irish bar. A real grown up kinda dinner date. 

I caved. I said yes.

Other than him traveling for a ski trip to Colorado that was preplanned before we got back together, and his countless days over eighteen years of traveling for business, we are together. Forever.  I DO actually believe this.

We are both determined to make it work…when things are bad, because they get bad for everyone…when one of us wants to give up…when we cannot make the other one laugh or smile…we remind each other of all that we put ourselves through to get to this point.

What seemed as endless years of being broke – eating mac and cheese and pasta endlessly. Our treat would be to fatten up at our parents’ houses when we would visit…which was a lot…we were hungry.

Years of fighting…all I know is the “run when things get tough” lifestyle, and he is from the “stand together when things are rough” life…we balanced each other I guess.

Living in my in-law’s house several times with our children to get money saved…and support.  We were clueless.  Still are somedays.

It must be working. Nineteen years together, four kids, many jobs, two companies started, one house fire,  vacations we couldn’t and now finally can afford, health scares and illness, and countless memories shared…

I am anxiously awaiting my husband’s arrival after a VERY long six day business trip to launch yet another company with his business partner. I am so proud of him.  He is a natural salesman…not the greasy, slimy kind that makes you want to run in the opposite direction when looking to buy a car…he is honest and funny and optimistic. He can build or design anything…in our shed. He reminds me of my Grandfather,( with whom he had a great relationship with and looked up to), a man that was always curious and building and creating until he died at 92.

I cannot wait to hear about his trip, and celebrate with a day at the beach and cocktails tonight in our little backyard while barbequing something yummy for dinner. I also cannot wait for my partner to help me balance out our family…and give me a little break. I feel like I am missing a limb when he is gone. I feel like my judgment is always blurred with the kids when I am left to here to hold down the fort…I let them take advantage of me, because I am running in circles trying to keep the basics going around here. Until my husband returns. Then I just want to collapse, scream and yell, or run away. 

But then he holds me tight, brings us back together as a united front.  We stand tall together. We need each other.  This is why it has worked.  We have made a life together, through good and bad, to let our kids know that some things ARE worth fighting for…