The Choice.

25 years ago today…unbelievable.

Karma Is A Funny Thing

Warning…many will take offense. Some will hate me. Or pretend they do not know me anymore. Some will even pity me…

That is THEIR choice.

It was about ninety degrees on June 1, 1991. It felt like 110 in the shade as I lay on the steaming hot pavement in my own vomit…retching. Sobbing.

I will never forget this day…ever.

It was a few weeks before I was barely about to graduate high school. I had just fooled them all at my senior prom. I could have kept up the facade for a little longer…but I didn’t have a choice, I was told this was the only way out…

As an adult now, I realize I did have a choice.

But when you run away from home, or get kicked out and are reliant on others…you feel like you have no choice.

I woke up on the table…

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Sisters.

In memory of our Dear Sweet Aunt Betty. She was blessed with another year with her loved ones since I first wrote this-and now is at peace. We will go say our final goodbyes to her tomorrow. Our Grandmother is unaware and probably couldn’t comprehend her profound loss…and maybe it’s for the best…her sister meant the world to her…her dear sweet Betty…

Karma Is A Funny Thing

I have two.  And they are precious to me. If you asked me twenty years ago, or even thirty years ago, I may have said differently. But as I grow older, I realize I truly cannot live without them. They are my best friends, my confidantes, my source of gossip or laughter when I need it most.

I hope they feel the same...

I am pretty certain  they do.  They would agree our younger years we were rough. We clung to each other through the dark days of divorce, dating and remarriage of our parents. We fought, but also played hard. Barbies were our other best friends…as were forts made out of mattresses, bike riding through the woods, mud pies with ink berries, and catching frogs.

I wouldn’t change any of it…for a second.

It made us who we are today.

I have three daughters as…

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The End.

In memory of Ms. Sopchak. Cannot believe it has been a year…we will have pie tonight in your memory…going to be a tough day for the kids…

Karma Is A Funny Thing

It shows up at the end of a movie. Or even a book. It happens after enjoying a warm cup of coffee. Or delicious sweet treat.

It happens.

It comes in all shapes and forms.

And then there is the end…

The one people don’t like to talk about. It stirs up emotions stronger than most of us like to ever feel.

It is hard even when it is expected…after a long beautiful life of up’s and down’s, laughter, sadness, joy…

But sometimes I don’t finish that cup of coffee…it sits till it gets cold and I wind up dumping it out and regretting that I didn’t get to finish all of it…that I didn’t allow myself the time to embrace the moment of me and my cup of coffee.

Or even that book that I was so anxious to read…I get distracted and cannot follow all the stuff in between…

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Taco.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BD4Wt1QG23a/

The Wedding.

Happy One year anniversary to my cousin Emily and her husband Andrew, who inspired this post last year!

Karma Is A Funny Thing

I remember my wedding day vividly. Family, friends, the dress, the weather…the moment.

The moment when I realized I was not alone in this world anymore…I had this person who I trusted with my heart and soul to be by my side forever.

I took my vows seriously, and still do to this day.

After many ups and downs and life slapping us in the face a few too many times, we are still holding strong. Through the sick part, good and bad…

 Until the end…

I have watched the women in my family live by their vows and swore to myself as a young bride to follow in their footsteps. They too have had their challenges…and their losses.

It is on days like today,  as we women come together with the love and support of family and friends, to hold each other up and remember our special…

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Consumed.

Not only have I been consumed with food in the past few weeks (my jeans will attest to that), but I am consumed with all things political. Never in my adult life have I been this interested in politics or the candidates, or even the policies at hand.

Consumed is being too easy on myself. My husband or family may say it is more like obsessed.

The only free time I usually had was to write a blog, and that entailed getting up at the crack of dawn, or piecing notes together from my phone when I have an idea, or sadly and more frequently,  ignoring my kids.

I don’t want to ignore my children to indulge myself, but getting up before the sun, or forcing myself to stay awake at night after long days of cooking/cleaning/activities, is just impossible.

I am getting old.

I can’t stay up late AND I now love politics.

No offense to older folks…I just always equated politics and CNN or Fox News with my Grandparents or parents…

Guess that is me now too.

I have this magnetic pull to check constant updates on Twitter and FB, in between cleaning up meals and loading the dishwasher.  My four year old says “one more minute” when asked to do something else while playing or watching a show.

He learned it from me…

I say it…too much unfortunately. It used to be so I could write…but now it is what is trending on the political front on Twitter or latest coverage from a Primary state or voting day.

He is learning to buy some more time and be selfish like his mother, instead of doing what needs to be done.

I admit it. I own it.

But as this election  grows closer to November, I may become fanatical.

I am pretty sure,(this being the first real election year of a social media onslaught during an election), is not helping. The media is almost controlling (we already know owning) the whole process of what we read or don’t read, which fires me up even more… and yet other people like myself are also ignoring their children or partners or pets for one more update or post one more comment/video/tweet to support their candidate.

We are like minded.

Crazy or obsessed or fanatical.

But we believe in something.

We believe this is our first time to really have a voice in the political process. That we can tweet to some guy in Iowa or Nebraska about what is going on in his town when the candidates were there,( or maybe even tweet with voters abroad, or get statistics on polling or percentages) is just an amazing historical political accomplishment.

We believe that social media may be controlling our opinions and thoughts or complaints, but without them, we lose our ability to try…to try to speak our minds.

Try to be patriotic.

Try to salvage what is left of this beautiful country.

With that, I am done jotting notes in my phone for now, so I can get up super early and do a quick social media scan of all things political and not have to ignore my kids at breakfast.

A Few Good Men.

On the six month anniversary of losing one of these good men…cancer won yet another battle, but we are here to remember a loving good man and keep fighting the good fight against cancer.

Karma Is A Funny Thing

I don’t usually write two posts in one day, but  I just have to.

There are a few good men in my life. I won’t name any names, but they know who they are. Well, except for my three year old, since he cannot read this yet…but he knows I adore him.

We have faced some serious challenges recently…but none nearly as bad as some of my favorite men…

I love them. They love me…unconditionally. Some may not be blood, but I have grown to realize this does not matter anymore…it is who sticks around, even when things get tough, that matter most.

And they matter…a lot.

It is not my journey or my story to tell for these men, but all I can do is let them know this…

I love them…I really and truly love them with all of my heart.

They watched me grow…

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Chance.

Karma Is A Funny Thing

We have three beautiful, smart, amazing girls…

                                                            

And now a son.

He will be turning three tomorrow.

And I am not sure I like that.

Yes he drives me mad, and is the ultimate mess maker. He screams and yells. And even hits sometimes.

But he is my son.

I am wildly astounded that I have a son now.

We had just the three girls for so long and thought we were done.

The factory was closed.

But he is here now, completing our family circle. He, like our daughters, commands attention from all those around him when he is in a room.

He is funny and and tough and loud…and yet can be so sweet and lovable.

I…

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Apologies.

I need to apologize to my followers. I have inundated my social media pages over the last few weeks with my political views. I am usually a pretty opinionated person, but keep some things to myself.  As stated in my last blog, I have learned to keep my mouth shut on many things lately…but for some reason, politics are just too good, too juicy of a topic right now to hold back!

I don’t know why it is, maybe because I am older and more aware of politics, but I am very passionate this time around. I grew up in a VERY Republican family, but as a young adult, I swayed more towards the Independents…mostly due to my  very Republican Grandfather having a change of heart in politics when Ross Perot ran…I was in awe of my Grandfather’s passion for all things Ross Perot…and now I feel his passion.

If I could have a ten minute chat with my Grandfather, I would LOVE to hear his thoughts on the political scene right now!

Regardless of why, I have quite possibly lost followers and friends…I am not cowering behind my beliefs, just acknowledging that maybe I might be taking it too far on a personal level…

I am thinking I may start a separate page for political venting of like minds (I know my sister and hubby will join at least!) and spew on and on without my dear friends and family gagging at my latest onslaught of “shares”, quotes, or rants.

I think this is the beauty of politics though-I find this all very exciting as a middle-aged woman with kids in college, a mortgage payment, and dwindling savings account due to ridiculous medical co pays and fees. I love the bantering, and hearing both sides all on my little cell phone that gives me constant updates, news articles, and Google (God I love to Google stuff!)…I love watching some of the politicians squirm with uncomfortable questions that put them on the spot.

If only I could be asking the questions at the debates…

I LOVE the debates.

There is yet another one on this evening…that is where I will be at 9p.m.(if anyone is looking for me). I will promise to refrain from play by play’s on social media this time…

Or maybe I am lying right now like so many politicians… 😉

Moving On.

I am not perfect.

I hold grudges.

I pout.

I even have had my share of temper tantrums.

I have had more battles and bickered with friends and family over my lifetime than I can remember.

But I also love.

I love too much sometimes. I dive deep into relationships and friendships, and that must muddle things a bit over time, I guess…

I don’t know…

Life is hard enough. I cannot muddle things anymore.

I thought I was learning that lesson a lot in the past year.

Life and death are the truest lessons of this.

Nothing is more bone chilling than death and dying to put things into perspective for a person.

Then you have the beauty of life to give balance to the loss or death of loved ones…

New babies, new loves, new life.

These are the moments that make me stop and realize…

Cut the crap out…it’s time to grow up.

No more bickering with my sisters as if we were still in high school and fighting over the mirror in the bathroom, or over clothes or remote controls. No more getting in to each other’s business and cutting a wedge so deep between us, that the gap is still not fully repaired.

No more saying what I feel like saying, whether it hurts someone or not, because I was an angry selfish teenager and young adult who hated her parents and life in general. Or as a mother or wife or friend who is miserable because she hasn’t fulfilled her dreams and passions, so she will take it out on everyone else around her…

I cannot be her anymore…time to move on.

I am not perfect.

I still make some of those mistakes as a middle aged mother/wife/sister/daughter…and friend.

I say too much. Or at least I used to. I needed a wake up call…you would have thought all the challenges over the past year would be enough…

The lightbulb went on many times, (or maybe I should say someone was flicking the light switch and on and off to test the circuits) trying to get me to realize all the anger, jealousy and hate was not necessary or needed…but I wasn’t paying attention.

That lightbulb was shining bright about a week ago when I saw an old friend and realized how foolish I can be.

It was almost two years since we spoke…over dumb stuff…that didn’t seem so dumb at the time. And we just let it all go…just like that. After building on a friendship for over eleven years, it was over.

I say it all the time, I believe everything happens for a reason…not sure why that all happened, but I guess it needed to…we needed time apart to figure life out.

Yet I found myself sobbing on my old friend’s shoulder (in public at a local benefit after too many cheap beers), apologizing and laughing and crying as if nothing had ever happened between us…

And letting go…

Of anger, temper tantrums, pouting, jealousy, and sadness…

I won’t say too much anymore to deliberately hurt someone because of my own misery…not because I have nothing to say, but what value is there on being opinionated or bossy or just a plain old jerk?

I am painting myself out to be a pretty big bitch right now, and I am actually a pretty nice person…just a lot on my brain and heaviness in my heart.

Such a weight lifted off my heavy heart…

Things may never be exactly as they were with me and my old friend, but it is so refreshing to know if we see each other, the tension won’t be there anymore… just smiles, and hugs and love and support.

And in another sense,( Moving On being my title for this blog), I need to move on from other relationships…ones that I have tried for most of my adult life to keep afloat, and they just keep drifting away. I think those relationships are safe to say, “Bon Voyage” and wish them well on their journey to their next chapter in life…

Without me in it.

I have written of these relationships before because I have an inner struggle with truly and completely let it go. Not sure if it is from guilt or just wanting to give it one more try, or because I am a glutton for punishment…or maybe it is because I am too nice and let people walk all over me…

Whatever the reason, I need to let it go as well…

I need to stick to my guns, and lift the anchor, and let that ship sail…no guilt or anger at myself…just peace knowing I tried. And tried some more…

And focus on the people who have always been in my life, even after returning from a mini vacation from our friendship, or those who were not sure of whether they should stay or go, but wind up staying by my side…these people help define me. They tell me to cut the crap…

The imperfect mother/wife/sister/daughter…and friend. The woman who vents on a blog to the world about big things and little things.

I don’t know if I am tired and getting old, but venting on a blog is about all I can manage anymore…fighting is for the birds…I have more important things to do like being a better wife/daughter/sister/mother and friend…

And moving on…