It overwhelms me. Last night was the worst in a long time. I lost three hours of sleep because of it.
Alone with my thoughts and not sure what to do with myself…
My husband took our kids to his Mother’s for a visit..an overnight.
It was a gift to me…something I am always wishing for, or complaining that I never have time to myself, to do what I want, whenever I want…
Well, my wish came true. I had almost two whole days alone to do whatever I wanted.
I admit, I sat here, in front of the t.v. thinking that was what I really wanted, even though I had requested this time alone to “get stuff done” around the house.
I sat in front the t.v. wasting an hour of my time thinking that was one thing I never get to do…watch whatever I want. I zoned out like a moron, not finding anything remotely enjoyable to satisfy the need for something other than cartoons and cooking shows.
So I got motivated…I cleaned out closets and did laundry, and dusted…I was very productive for hours...then went to dinner with some family and really enjoyed myself…I didn’t have to take anyone to the bathroom at the restaurant or cut someone else’s food or be interrupted in my conversations. It was enjoyable.
Until I fell sound asleep, thanks to a few cocktails and a full belly and lots of cleaning all afternoon…I knew I would sleep well.
Or so I had hoped.
I woke at three a.m., heart racing feeling dizzy and confused. Why was I sleeping on the sofa? Where was everyone? I realized I was alone.
I thought of every happy thought I could bring to mind…put on a bad sitcom…checked in on my blog to see my stats rising after having it re-blogged for the first time…
Nothing would shake it.
Anxiety…panic…whatever you want to call it…it wasn’t leaving.
It makes me jittery now just remembering how freaked out and bad my anxiety got.
I am terrified to be alone.
I used to live alone for a few years, and I loved it. That was pre-marriage and pre-kids…but still…I did it before, so why can’t I do it now? Why cant I enjoy it like I did then? Because someday in the future, all the kids will be gone-off to explore themselves create their own lives.
and I will have my husband, but there will be times when I will be alone again…and that causes me even more anxiety to think I may hate it or fear it.
This is who I am now, I guess…so deal with it…buck up woman!
But I don’t want anxiety…I want to feel peaceful and calm and enjoy life…
Maybe I need to do it more often so it isn’t such a scary thing…but for now…
I survived the night…I am very tired and rattled today, but thankful that my family returns today and will have a full house again…
Until we meet again, Anxiety.