Tag Archives: emotions

About Blank.

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blank

I am not exactly sure what this means in the computer world, but I know it is very similar to how I am feeling this week.

Blank.

Not sure why I am feeling this way, possibly because there is SO much going on right now, that I have shut down.

I tried to shut it down yesterday. Needed a RESTART button. I felt like I had to force myself to be happy when I woke up yesterday.

I did try.

And then I crumbled. I cried.

And cried some more. I don’t think I have cried that much in a while.

Then I just felt numb…

Blank. Void. Empty.

I thought maybe I should try to blog it out…get it all out in verbal diarrhea. But in the blankness, I felt like I have been failing at blogging as well…so why bother.

Woe is me…

I wanted to kick myself in the shins and tell myself to buck up. But I couldn’t. I needed to get it out. I haven’t felt that out of control of my feelings in a while…I would try to go about my day, so I didn’t keep upsetting the little ones…and the big kids too. They were great and supportive but it brought them down too. It wasn’t fair.

But I had to. 

There truly is so much going on right now, that I think I had been holding it all back for so long, that it erupted like a volcano. Oozing tears and sobs all day long.

I am okay now.

I needed those tears to wash away all of the stress and denial that I had been avoiding…the reality.

Life has been changing in this house at warp speed…high school graduations, college plans for two teens, countless summer jobs and schedules, sickness, cancer, family struggles, a growing business…it might seem petty compared to other problems that people are facing, but it hit me hard…all of us. But I guess, me being the most emotional in the house, I sucked it all up for the team.

I cried a little a graduation on Monday night, but it really and truly didn’t hit me until yesterday.

How different our lives will be in a few short weeks…forever.

The biggest blow has been with my in-laws…I came to realize how much I took them for granted…babysitting our kids at the drop of a hat…showing up for any and all things family-related…stepping in with preparations for parties days before and making food and treats for all occasions…and just simply always loving us unconditionally.

I have always known they love us and support us unconditionally, but not as much as until yesterday…maybe it is because I felt like I needed them right now…but they cannot be here. They just can’t. I wouldn’t dare ask them.

They have more important challenges right now, and a long road ahead…

My whining about all this despair and misery pales in comparison to what they are dealing with right now…shame on me.

But I had to.

I will not allow myself to feel guilty about this anymore…I had to find clarity and wash away all the confusion and muck in my brain.

I did it.

I woke up today feeling better…not great, but manageable. I am putting my best foot forward. I recharged my batteries on the beach today with my little ones, with the glorious sun blazing and a light ocean breeze keeping us cool…

I am not blank anymore…

I am blessed.

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Guess It’s A Girl Thing…

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Guess It’s A Girl Thing…

Maybe it is the few beers I just had at dinner.  Its been a long week.  I am pms-ing pretty bad(exit most males after that sentence)…the worst it has been for years….honestly. Even though my hubby will probably say last month was equally as bad.

Whatever it is, I am over emotional and possibly overreacting.  I will take the courage from my two beers and hormones and say what I think.  I am hurt.

I am a woman who wants to scream on the boardwalk that is a few blocks away from my house or on a social media outlet and rant and rave that I AM HURT.

I vowed after parenthood began for us, that I would live my life as an honest and caring and giving adult. I maybe have faltered here and there, mostly out of immaturity and ignorance,  but would own it as soon as I realized I was wrong.

I won’t specifically say why I am hurt for fear of adding bad karma or negativity to my life. But all it took was one innocent look from a child to know someone is spinning a web of lies about me and my family…and as a pms-ing/momma bear/fierce woman at the moment, I want to call out a liar.  But I won’t.

That person will have to wallow in the deep dark sadness that they are stewing in,  that forces them to try to make people think they are so much better than me…well, sadly they are not better than me. As I am no better than them. They are hurting for whatever reason, so they want to hurt.  Well, me too. I am damaged goods too. But after all these years, I would rather vaguely blog about my feelings or talk to someone quietly that I trust, than talk badly about anyone to spread rumors and hate…that was SO high school….