Tag Archives: exhaustion

Tired.

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Tired.

I am whooped.

All the time.

I am pretty sure the only time I ever sit is to go to the bathroom or write a blog.

From 5:30-ish (depending on how many times I can hit snooze without causing a panic attack) in the morning, until I lay down with my little ones at 8:30 at night…I do not stop moving. I keep expecting to pass by a mirror and see a Cindy Crawford type body…

But it is still me…

Frazzled, droopy-eyed, flabby me.

That’s okay…I have slightly accepted middle age…minus my thinning hair, constant confusion, stress, and of course…exhaustion.

I do not ever remember being so tired before kids. I know I do not sleep well, but never have since I was little.

Even when I worked seven days a week at two jobs and then went out late to the bars with friends, I was not this tired.

I know I hear many people swear that a nice glass of wine or cocktail can help with a good night’s sleep…not working on this lady! Even two or three sometimes have zero effect on this mommy.

I pump myself full of vitamins and supplements daily, eat better than ever…

Except for my terrible addiction to pork roll.

20130713-pork-roll-rachel-04

Maybe I should just accept that the ten minute cat nap occasionally as I get my toddler to nap, or the twenty minutes of dozing off as I try to read a book to the little ones at bedtime, is all I really need at this point in my life.

I read once that Martha Stewart only sleeps like four hours a night…I could handle that. 

I could get ALL the laundry done AND folded, make lunches, dust, answer emails, write a blog more than once a week, prep meals…just no vacuuming…that wouldn’t be fair to a house full of peacefully sleeping kids and hubby.

Maybe even slowly build an empire based on early morning crafts/baking/organizing…

Or maybe not.

I don’t want to be up at four in the morning anymore than any other mom reading this…

I would love peace and quiet occasionally, and less clutter, AND sleep…

But I will settle for maybe five or six hours tonight since I just got the laundry all done AND put away, vacuumed (half the house), and cleaned up dinner ALL before bedtime…

I deserve that extra half hour of slumber tonight.

And hitting snooze a few times.

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Utah.

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Utah.

Utah-you suck.

Sorry for being mean.

But my blog is based on karma, so I felt it necessary to say how I feel about something. This something being Utah.  Although now that I say it out loud, I fear the outcome.

See, Utah and my family have a strange relationship. Never been there. Not sure I really want to ever go either.  But my husband has to travel there at least once a year for business-so he has no choice.

And every time he goes, the shit hits the fan(pardon the language)…and this time I mean that, literally. Almost fifteen years of what I feel as bad luck with Utah.  He goes, we stay behind and wait for his return.  He goes and has much success, I stay and clean up messes. LOTS of messes.

I have no ill feelings towards Utah in general…just the yin and yang of it all is starting to drive me mad.

yin

He goes.

We stay.

But only when he is in Utah, do things really get nutty. Never good stuff. Always frustrating, heartbreaking, nail biting stuff.

I can go as far to say children have been hospitalized, countless illnesses, money woes, family fights, cars breaking down even death…you name it, it has happened.

I say yin and yang when I refer to this trip to Utah, because I am mentally using this to find clarity in all the madness I am dealing with over the past week…doctor’s visits, vomit, diarrhea, countless diapers to change, antifreeze oozing out of my daughter’s car, snow, fevers, and just the daily grind of getting people to and fro…with sick kids in tow and one car down.

With each trip, not  just Utah (but especially Utah), I am forced to find my village of people that will stand by me, to help aid in one disaster or another…some days all at once. I have depended on family and some friends each time…for this, I am grateful. It is a running joke in my immediate circle of supporters that my husband “must be in Utah” when things rapidly spiral out of control…and yet it is funny that when he is home,  we (me and my tribe and hardworking hubby) are all able to sit around and  enjoy a cocktail and laugh at all the bizarre and annoying events during Utah week (and how everyone and everything seem to fall back into place/heal once it is over)…

Poor Salt Lake…I truly do not know you, and I have already passed judgement on you…

I am hoping there is balance at the end of this tunnel that is clogged with crap.  My husband is having an extremely successful trip…I know this to be true.  With suffering, there will be relief…at some point.

Are there more pressing problems in the world that are bigger than what I am dealing with? Sure. But right now, ok maybe at least last night, I wanted to throw in the towel. I had had enough blows for one week.

But today is a new day, and my husband comes home tomorrow. We can rejoice in his success and celebrate. Then we will- together, attack each challenge and try to move forward.

. buddha      He is my yin, and I am his yang.

As corny as it sounds, we need each other. We find balance within ourselves when together…and I guess that is maybe why I had an epiphany while writing this…

I do not hate Utah, I love it. It brings balance to my life…it makes things clear to us as to why we are working so hard to move forward. Appreciating all our hard work-and bad days to be able to love the good ones…

Thank you, Utah…you just made my day.

Date Night.

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Date Night.

I am lame. It is Friday night. It was supposed to be date night.  Irish Weekend in our town…tons of people, parties, music…lots of fun to be had.

As I stated, I am lame.  I could not get myself motivated to do it…the much anticipated, needed, wanted date night.  A night out with my hubby. a.k.a. boyfriend/best friend, to talk freely, drink to be merry, and laugh about anything and everything.  To be adults and not need to be interrupted 800 times during a meal to cut food or take kids to the bathroom ( that don’t really need to go but are sick of sitting at the table and coloring on placemats and just want to check out the bathroom) or deal with picking up the same toy off the floor twenty times and the inevitable spilling of a drink…on the table, in laps, in a shoe.

It happens…every time. No joke.

I adore my kids and love teaching them about how to behave in nice restaurants and trying new foods, but it is utterly exhausting. As I sit there cutting chicken tenders and testing fries to see if they are still scalding hot from the fryer, I daydream about date night.

To apply a little extra makeup, wear a white shirt, without worrying about snot, spills or hand prints on it. To pick a place and not worry about whether or not they have a kiddie menu…to sit in silence if we so choose…oh how I fantasize.

And yet, here I am blogging in sweatpants instead of applying eye makeup and perfume.

It is Friday night.  Up since five a.m. Attempting to go back to sleep several times, but never able to. The two little ones still coming to me (never my husband) to say they cannot sleep and to please let them snuggle…in my queen size bed.  At first, I could care less…I am half asleep and this has been happening to me on and off for almost eighteen years.  But around two or three a.m., I wake up with children wrapped all over me like Velcro…or an octopus…or both.

I so envision myself out on the town, sharing laughs with my husband and friends that we haven’t seen all summer. On this beautiful fall night, with my best friend. The guy that said to me- I get it…you are exhausted…so how about I take the kids out for ice cream and give you some time alone? That guy…the guy that gets me and loves me and will wait for tomorrow to have a date night.  So I hope that writing this doesn’t bring me bad karma and that I cannot go out tomorrow for some disastrous reason…that it puts my sleepy, cranky vibes out there in the universe so I can justify not forcing myself after a LONG day, of sitting here writing and watching bad t.v. to make tomorrow night the better choice for date night…hopefully a good night’s sleep. Taking my time with chores. Giving myself time to apply makeup and find a clean shirt without stains. And enjoy…actually enjoy…date night.