Tag Archives: happiness

Regret.

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Regret.

We all have a few. I may have more than I thought as I ponder this…

We arrived at the college where our oldest plans to go in the fall. It just so happens to be where I briefly attended after high school.

As I entered the building the flashbacks started. Where I would enter the building after taking the train in to the city several times a week. The spot where I would chain smoke cigarettes before being trapped inside all day in classes. The smell of the stairwell…sensory overload.

I screwed up...big time. I left this college really and truly before my journey had ever even begun. I mentally kick myself every time I think about my decision to walk away.

I dreamed BIG. Since I could remember as a little girl,  I had paper and pencil in hand…sketching. Hiding from life in my room or in the car or wherever I was allowed to have paper and pencil at the ready.

My Aunt was visiting my Grandparent’s once at the same time my family was, and she handed me a sketch pad and charcoal pencils…I will never forget that moment…she noticed.  I was talented. I loved everything about art and drawing and anyone who spoke “art” speak.

Which brings me back to college. I have this amazingly gifted Uncle who also noticed my talents. Whenever I was with him, he gave me pointers, lessons and even later in my high school and post high school years, jobs with him in the city or at his company. And he was the one who inspired my sorry excuse for a lazy teenage self, to pursue my dreams. He took me to an open house at this college, from which he was an alumni.  I fell in love immediately.  My dreams were right in front of me…eat, sleep, breath art.

I loved everything about it. My classes, new friends,  being in the city. My creative side was surprising me…bursting with talent I didn’t even know possible.

Then I walked away.

If I say I regret this momumental decision,  that would be saying I regret my life now…my husband, my kids,  my choices.

In a parallel universe that dumb girl went back. She finished school, immersed in all things art.

She wrote thank you letters to that Aunt who noticed…and to the mentor/Uncle who meant so much to her…and still does.

She became who she dreamt of being…but without that husband or those kids.

She is happy in that world of art…

But so is this girl. This girl who made a life out of bad choices, relationships and bad karma. She turned all that bad stuff into something really really good.

She is still creative in a frazzled, mommy sort of way…but all in all, made a different dream come true.

She found a prince charming who built her a castle to protect her and their clan from all that bad stuff. She found happiness and love when even in her darkest days, seemed impossible…

Regrets?

She has none.

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Sisters.

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Sisters.

I have two.  And they are precious to me. If you asked me twenty years ago, or even thirty years ago, I may have said differently. But as I grow older, I realize I truly cannot live without them. They are my best friends, my confidantes, my source of gossip or laughter when I need it most.

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I hope they feel the same...

I am pretty certain  thedo.  They would agree our younger years we were rough. We clung to each other through the dark days of divorce, dating and remarriage of our parents. We fought, but also played hard. Barbies were our other best friends…as were forts made out of mattresses, bike riding through the woods, mud pies with ink berries, and catching frogs.

I wouldn’t change any of it…for a second.

It made us who we are today.

I have three daughters as well. I honestly thought God was torturing me when I realized this-I am raising three girls that will torture me as we tortured our mother...it was me and my sisters all over again…minus the misery.

But dear oh dear do my girls seek out the drama, and think that it is them against the world. Sometimes…not as often as me and my partners in crime…but I can relate.

My inspiration for this blog tonight was from a beautiful moment I shared with two sisters today.

The way they grabbed each other when they first saw each other, and held hands, and smiled…was just unforgettable.

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My ninety-four year old Grandmother and her little sister of ninety-one, came together possibly for the last time today. We have said this before, and these two feisty ladies have proved us all wrong.

But knowing that time is precious for them more so than someone much younger (we all hope), they were determined to see one another. My Grandmother doesn’t remember much these days, but she knew her sister.

I was proud to be a part of this bittersweet reunion…and pray there are more. 

One of my sisters was missing today, but I know she would loved this day as well. When we are together, we get devilish and giggly. We adore family, and love the time we share together, even if it isn’t very often.

We three are in different places in life, with children, relationships, jobs…we kvetch about the little things and big, and look forward to those time together when we can do it some more.

We laugh at our childhood memories and tell each other almost everything…and then worry about the stuff we are not sharing.

This is my wish…

I want to be my Grandma and Aunt someday…I want to sit with my sisters on either side of me(I am the middle sister, so I get the say so) when we are in our nineties, and hold their hands and remember warm summer nights with fireflies, and big wheels, fights and laughter…