Back to The Plantains.

So I really thought I was fooling myself. I even tried to mentally to lie to myself this morning when I stepped off of the scale. It was thirteen NOT ten or eleven or even twelve…it was a whopping thirteen pounds that I have gained over the past several months.

I have fooled myself into thinking one chip or cracker or treat over the holiday was okay. Which then made it okay for two or three more treats.

It amounted to many little pieces of candy after Halloween. And handfuls of chips and gooey dip over Thanksgiving. AND pie. I enjoyed myself thoroughly. All this cheating I swore I would never do again. But I did.

Until my pants were getting tighter, and my stomach began to bloat like I was six months pregnant. My skin is covered in dry scaly patches and my hair…well it is back to thin scraggly nothingness.

I am disappointed and depressed. In myself. It is all my fault.

I began stress eating over the summer after countless hours and days visiting my ailing Father-in-law in the hospital and helping my mother-in-law at their home. By no means am I blaming them. I blame myself for using the excuse of quick cafeteria bites and on-the-go burgers, and caving in here and there because I just didn’t have the time or mental capacity to care what I was eating. I own the fact that I turned the cheek to a salad bar and chose “protein” by means of crispy crunchy chicken tenders. Or gluten free breads/pastas/pizza crusts.

These foods are not my friends…clean eating is. It is probably for all of us, but my body responded so well to it. I felt great, had more energy, my skin was healing…so the self-sabotage is even more upsetting to me. Especially after I begged my Father-in-law to seek healing through nutrition, and then I shamefully chose to give up on my own journey of healing.

Today I seek my happy place again. I am looking for healing again. A healthy gut and healthy mind. To stay focused and teach my family to eat well. Maybe not to the extreme I need to, but enough for them to be well and feel great.

I enjoyed my gluten free pizza crusts the most…but then the regular cheese and sauces just added to mission of letting go of my health.

My plantain pizzas took some getting used to. And they will again. After indulging, it is time to get real. I owe it to myself and my body and my family to find my wellness again.

Christmas will be challenging, in many ways. It will be our first Christmas without my Father-in-law who loved all things Christmas and we shared it with them every year. I cannot cave into stressful eating. I cannot let parties where treats are served up with loads of sugar and fat and calories, make me cheat. I need to be strong for my husband and children and my family, and especially for my Father-in-law who believed in me…

Back to the plantains.

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A Few Good Men.

I don’t usually write two posts in one day, but  I just have to.

There are a few good men in my life. I won’t name any names, but they know who they are. Well, except for my three year old, since he cannot read this yet…but he knows I adore him.

We have faced some serious challenges recently…but none nearly as bad as some of my favorite men…

I love them. They love me…unconditionally. Some may not be blood, but I have grown to realize this does not matter anymore…it is who sticks around, even when things get tough, that matter most.

And they matter…a lot.

It is not my journey or my story to tell for these men, but all I can do is let them know this…

I love them…I really and truly love them with all of my heart.

They watched me grow from a dark and confused young woman, into a frazzled and loving mother and wife.

They have listened to me cry, and fight and whine and suffer.

They have hugged me and loved me even when they thought I was wrong.

There may be distance between us now…but only in miles, not feelings.

I love them with all of my heart for loving me, and my husband and my family unconditionally.

They are good, good solid men.

They have been hurt, but continued to stand tall. They have loved and lost, but still stand strong in their hearts…

I will love these men till the day I die…

My little guy has a handful of amazing role models and some big shoes to fill…but he can do it…

He is learning well.

He Would Be Proud.

Yesterday was a big day for me.  Like a REALLY big deal.  Not as a big as delivering a baby or getting married “big”…more like important. More like accomplishment.

I told my story in one of my first blogs a few months back, of my journey to find good health for myself…I needed it badly for peace of mind that I wasn’t going crazy…wasting days, months, and even years of dieting and being frustrated with myself.  I was beginning to believe it wasn’t my thyroid, or age…it was the dreaded depression that was a symptom of all of those possible illnesses that I suffered from.  I was sad…I wanted to give up on myself. I couldn’t stand to look at myself anymore…who was this person that I have become?

I am not that mommy that runs five miles every morning or gets to work out in some fancy gym for an hour uninterrupted. The extent of my workouts was walking with one or two or all four of my kids to any random destination to maybe, just maybe, take a pound off…or firm up a few of those cottage cheese curds on my thighs…but no such luck.

So I took things into my own hands last year…first on my own, then with the help of a naturopathic nutritionist. I was skeptical at first. And this was my last shot. But I knew I had to believe in this.

I knew HE would believe in this.

My Grandfather…gosh, what can I say about this man? Nothing bad for starters. He was perfect…I know that isn’t possible. I am sure he had flaws that my Grandmother or his children would admit to, but growing up I never heard them say anything bad about him…nothing.

His eyes twinkled with happiness. With pride. With optimism. He was just simply amazing…and I adored him.

I titled this blog for him because he would have been 95  this Sunday. And I know he would be proud.

I miss him terribly.

He was a huge advocate of eating healthy and taking vitamins.  He taught me so much. And now I am truly embracing something that I surely know would fascinate him.  I can see me telling him about what my doctor does, and what she believes…he would ask plenty of questions. And listen to all of what I told him. I never met someone who absolutely absorbed everything that someone said, like he did.

He would be proud of me yesterday.

And this is why…

I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s (finally) and Rheumatoid Arthritis a few months back. I have suffered in silence and out loud for years…joints aching , fingers not bending. Bloating, high blood pressure, endless back pain…the list was endless…

I started seeing a Rheumatologist when my General doctor said “I give up” too many possible Autoimmune disorders for her to handle.

I went for a follow up with my Rheumatologist yesterday after countless blood tests and x-rays months ago.

I had been dreading this day.

I saw the results…not all bad, but not great either. I went in with my “dukes” up.

I was going to refuse his prescriptions. I was not going to poison this cleaned out vessel with pills that had more warning labels on them than  a pack of cigarettes.

Oh so sweet to have a doctor lean back in his chair and look at all the symptoms I came in with months ago, and to then ask me how I am doing today…

and I  state that I am wonderful.

Occasional stiffness or pain, but the weight melted off…my blood pressure yesterday was its lowest in years.  He looked at me with a smirk and said-

 Hhmm… How did you do this?

After I explained, he said that he had no reason to put me on any toxic medicines that more than likely would counteract all my efforts and that it sounds as if the Rheumatoid Arthritis is not a problem for my body anymore.

re·mis·sion

(rĭ-mĭsh′ən)

n.

1. Abatement or subsiding of the symptoms of a disease.

2. The period during which the symptoms of a disease abate or subside

And to think of all those years I suffered. Of all those years in tears and being frustrated. And within a few months I literally changed my life.

he would be oh so proud of me. I know this to be true.

Healthy Makes Happy.

 

I am the queen of dieting…or one of millions of queens on the diet carousel. Round and round we go…and keep hopping off before the ride ends. I have done this ever since I became a mother.  Especially after I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism.  I ballooned up after my second daughter was born…I literally felt and looked like a pufferfish.  I thought I had post partum depression really bad…I was miserable.  I finally went to the doctor after about seven months of misery.  He thought it was depression too, since I had it after my first pregnancy. But thought more of it, and decided to do a full bloodwork up to check everything. Thank GOD he did. I was handed a pamphlet about Hashimoto’s ( Hashi what?!! A side note-I never have heard a doctor say this again in fourteen years…), started my meds immediately, lost about thirty pounds in a couple of months with ease,  and never looked back…until my next two pregnancies…and turning 40.

So this still very young body of mine has felt to be about eighty for the past few years.  It got progressively worse after our son was born. I had him when I was thirty-nine going on forty. The weight wouldn’t budge…even with two years of nursing( all the supermodels and celebrity moms SWEAR the pounds melt off with nursing) and changing my diet…I said to myself- I give up.

I am just going eat pizza and drink regular beer and have as many cupcakes as I want. Why bother? Then I kept getting sick…sinus infection after sinus infection. On my last bout of illness in March(including a breast scare), I went to the doctor for yet another antibiotic…my blood pressure was abnormally high for me (150/100) and my sugar was elevated as well as cholesterol…my knees ached, and couldn’t bend a few of my fingers without pain. The nurse informed me it isn’t my thyroid because my labs are ALWAYS normal…it is age. I am getting old, so therefore losing weight “will be an uphill battle from here”. Is this lady really saying this to me right now??? I was miserable. I was sick. And I was especially sick of being sick.

I got a call a few days later from my doctor to inform me that I need to see a nutritionist now because I was pre diabetic. I needed to get the weight under control. I was informed at the nutritionist that I was “obese”…my heart sank. How was this woman calling me obese?!! I know I am a little chunkier than a few years back…but obese?!! What is going on with me?

After a somewhat informative visit to the nutritionist, I decided she was telling me everything I already knew and was doing.  But I was still “obese”.  I started googling, and scanning the internet and facebook for all things thyroid.  Facebook had it all.  This is why I stick around, Mark Zuckerberg.

Which brings me today (for fear of overloading you with too many details).  My new journey started at the end of May.  I found an integrative nutritionist who gets it. Who listens. Does that actually exist anymore?  Thankfully it does. She does.  I have been losing the weight slowly but I am down twelve and a half pounds since I started eating healthier(or so I thought) on my own in January to lose the weight. But with my new doctor, I have a new clean diet, more energy and a healthier outlook. Except for one roadblock-my thyroid.

 

The piece de resistance…I went to my GP the other day to beg and plead to have complete thyroid panel done ( they have refused constantly and even for the need to get a referral to see an endo) and a A1C test done (recommended by both nutritionists) to see what is going on with my sugar level.  SHE AGREED!!!! Can I just say I have NEVER been happier to go to the lab for blood work?!! I literally danced when I got out to the car…it was a small but oh so important victory.

See, they can say no all they want to do this test or that. But I know my body. I know that even with my new diet and way of thinking, something is still not right.  So as I end this blog today, know that I will be making this a good karma kind of day…victory is MINE (as Famous Footwear tells me regularly via emails)!

Update since original post: I have been officially diagnosed with Rheumatoid arthritis after FINALLY confirming I had Hashimoto’s fourteen years later. I may also have psoriatic arthritis and this seems to flare when I eat something that is a “cheat”, yet another food sensitivity, or not on my AIP. I have successfully lost a little over twenty pounds…slow and steady.  (Note to all Autoimmune sufferers…Gluten is NOT your friend! Eliminating Gluten brought me more relief than anything)…But most importantly,  I FEEL better! Not so many aches and pains and my energy level is amazing…all priceless accomplishments for anyone suffering from an autoimmune disorder.