Two Faces.

As I get ready to cast my first stone, many will say I shouldn’t dare say what I am about to say. That I too, have two faces.

We all do.

We have a good face, and a bad face.

The good one is wrinkle free, blemish free and smooth and soft like a baby’s bottom.

The bad face is ugly…oozing zits, lines, scars,  dark circles…you name it, it is there.

I tend to like to think that I could look in a mirror and see the good face…underneath, there are flaws, insecurities,  self-doubt. But confident enough to say that what I am looking at is worth it enough to smile back in the mirror at myself.

I have bad face days too…but not to the extent I am speaking of. The dark circles and lines build up to the surface after too many moments like the one inspiring me right now to write this all down and clear my head.

My head is swirling with the images and emotions of people with these two faces. That are making me feel ugly right now thinking this way. That cause me to be angry, or sad or mad or even jealous.

Horrible childish feelings that make me want to scream or cry…in their faces and beg them to explain why they do the things they do.

To say something so hurtful or jaded and pass judgement on someone and then befriend them…why? Out of pity for them so you mock them behind their backs as well? To not speak or utter a word to someone for ages, and yet constantly creep into their world and stir up these ugly feelings? That is what it is doing and I do not know why I let it in…I just cringe at the thought of how mean some people can knowingly be…sometimes they are even so aware that they are this way, and just don’t care…maybe because they need to have the last laugh? Feel vengeful after feeling tormented their whole lives for not fitting in or knowing how to show their true good face?

It must be easier to reveal their bad face to overcome their own insecurities and darkness inside. Because now as I write this, I am reflecting on more and more moments of people with their bad faces staring at me.

Maybe its me.

I bring out the worst in people? I cause them to dig deep in the darkness and say or do these terrible things?

I think not.

I may be a lot of things, but the one thing I will never  own is someone else’s b.s.

I have enough of my own, thank you.

If someone feels the need to entertain me or build a “friendship” based on these ugly truths/lies/gossip, then they are no friend of mine.

At some point we should all have a comfort level to say how we really feel about someone or something. ..but only if we know that other person really well or “think about what you are going to say before you say it” mommy-ism in the back of our heads making sure we edit our thoughts and feelings before putting them out in the universe.

But sadly, many do not think before they speak…including me. But some things are better left unsaid. And the moments that are gnawing at me now are ones that should have stayed tucked away...forever.

I want to crawl under a rock or run far away from people like these, and cry for them.

I pity them…I know I am not perfect, but I have never recalled a moment where I could show such a wicked ugly face then turn and have my pretty happy face on, ready to put on a good show.

As I get older,  I am thinking maybe I just think too much…or care too much. Even about that person who was judged, who doesn’t want or need me anymore, and maybe even that dark ugly face of the person who always shows me their good face, to then turn their back and a split second later speaks ill of me.

I need to stop.

I have vented before about these trivial things because they truly do bug me. I don’t know why. My husband could care less about them. I don’t think that’s the right answer either though…

We should care how we treat each other and the example we set for our children…karma is a you-know-what so we need to remember our kids are watching and listening to every word we say…and checking our faces that we show them…the good one, or the bad.

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Utah.

Utah-you suck.

Sorry for being mean.

But my blog is based on karma, so I felt it necessary to say how I feel about something. This something being Utah.  Although now that I say it out loud, I fear the outcome.

See, Utah and my family have a strange relationship. Never been there. Not sure I really want to ever go either.  But my husband has to travel there at least once a year for business-so he has no choice.

And every time he goes, the shit hits the fan(pardon the language)…and this time I mean that, literally. Almost fifteen years of what I feel as bad luck with Utah.  He goes, we stay behind and wait for his return.  He goes and has much success, I stay and clean up messes. LOTS of messes.

I have no ill feelings towards Utah in general…just the yin and yang of it all is starting to drive me mad.

He goes.

We stay.

But only when he is in Utah, do things really get nutty. Never good stuff. Always frustrating, heartbreaking, nail biting stuff.

I can go as far to say children have been hospitalized, countless illnesses, money woes, family fights, cars breaking down even death…you name it, it has happened.

I say yin and yang when I refer to this trip to Utah, because I am mentally using this to find clarity in all the madness I am dealing with over the past week…doctor’s visits, vomit, diarrhea, countless diapers to change, antifreeze oozing out of my daughter’s car, snow, fevers, and just the daily grind of getting people to and fro…with sick kids in tow and one car down.

With each trip, not  just Utah (but especially Utah), I am forced to find my village of people that will stand by me, to help aid in one disaster or another…some days all at once. I have depended on family and some friends each time…for this, I am grateful. It is a running joke in my immediate circle of supporters that my husband “must be in Utah” when things rapidly spiral out of control…and yet it is funny that when he is home,  we (me and my tribe and hardworking hubby) are all able to sit around and  enjoy a cocktail and laugh at all the bizarre and annoying events during Utah week (and how everyone and everything seem to fall back into place/heal once it is over)…

Poor Salt Lake…I truly do not know you, and I have already passed judgement on you…

I am hoping there is balance at the end of this tunnel that is clogged with crap.  My husband is having an extremely successful trip…I know this to be true.  With suffering, there will be relief…at some point.

Are there more pressing problems in the world that are bigger than what I am dealing with? Sure. But right now, ok maybe at least last night, I wanted to throw in the towel. I had had enough blows for one week.

But today is a new day, and my husband comes home tomorrow. We can rejoice in his success and celebrate. Then we will- together, attack each challenge and try to move forward.

.       He is my yin, and I am his yang.

As corny as it sounds, we need each other. We find balance within ourselves when together…and I guess that is maybe why I had an epiphany while writing this…

I do not hate Utah, I love it. It brings balance to my life…it makes things clear to us as to why we are working so hard to move forward. Appreciating all our hard work-and bad days to be able to love the good ones…

Thank you, Utah…you just made my day.

Rain Rain Go Away…

Sheesh. It is raining…again.  I know my sister would be saying, “oh stop. It’s good for our veggie plants and grass”.. .that is until her ceiling starts gushing rain water later tonight.

I don’t mind rain at all. But it is sort of the salt on an open wound for me today.  I know I have whined about bad karma or bad days before, but this feels like a temper tantrum worthy sort of day.

None of of our alarms went off this morning. Most days, I could care less for missing an alarm,  but having to be up at the crack of dawn to pack up a family of six and close up the house for an overnight (to spend gobs of money at the mall for back-to-school clothes and supplies) at my in-laws was stressing me out already.

Not to mention a phone meeting at noon for my hubby and two back-to-back doctor appointments BEFORE shopping even commenced.

The car ride was an hour and change of pure torture. Not only did the a/c on my side of the car stop working, it decided to blast heat instead. As if that wasn’t bad enough, the typical bickering soon turned into verbal boxing ring between out three oldest. Such petty, mind-numbing topics to freak out about…yet the most important and current event for them to defend and fight for. Who took who’s earbuds or who farted or who forgot to charge what device…as my kids have taught me to text in a simple response….UGH.

So not a great karma kind  of day,  but managed to end it with some good wine and food and laughter. I guess that is all I can ask for♡

Guilt and Worry. You are NOT My Friends.

 

I was born and raised with it.  I am even raising my kids with it.  I feel it everyday.  Not just through my own doing, but all around me.  Others inflict it on me.  And I let them.  Still. This thing I speak of is GUILT.  Its best friend is worry.  They go hand in hand.  I worry that I inflict guilt on my children.  I worry that I make others feel guilty about things.  I worry that I will never escape the dreaded feeling of GUILT.  I was a pretty bad teenager, from what I remember and the stories people care to tell me of my bad behavior growing up.  I never felt deliberately bad.  I never even suffered from that awful feeling of guilt.  I fought it tooth and nail and ran in the opposite direction of guilt.  But it crept on me like a dark shadow following me everywhere I went.  I let it in the door after I became a mother.  Maybe that is one of the many gifts of motherhood, I guess.  I could hear the voice of my mother in my ear, as I repeated similar phrases to my girls to make them feel guilty about something…but why?  Learned behavior is what I am hoping. Because I quite honestly despise the feeling…

The guilt of eating the wrong things, saying the wrong things, not including someone in a plan, not helping someone enough, or not fighting hard enough to end a fight or not knowing when to just let something go…

 

I admit I use guilt to make myself better sometimes.  I say something or write a comment on a social media outlet to release some bad feeling I am having towards that person or situation, or maybe want to say ALOT more, but it is controlled by a smaller possible snide comment…I am a firm believer in saying what you think, but know that comes at a high risk…so I opt for this somewhat tacky and stealthier version of making someone feel bad…it is a mean and childish thing to do, but in comparison to someone that is being hurtful or dishonest with me, it feels right…for a split second.  That must be that “bad girl” in me that everyone was talking about when I was a kid…then the motherly side comes out and slaps me across the face, and tells me to grow up. Take it back.  Don’t try to make someone feel bad because they made ME feel bad…that was their choice.  And I have a choice too.  To behave as badly, if not worse than the other person, or let it go…

 

Whoever wrote that Disney song, knew what they were talking about.  I feel like I am saying this phrase to myself and kids more and more now…let it go.  The drama, the hatred, heartache, sadness, and of course, the guilt.  We can only let people make us feel these ways…I do, so I know it is possible.  I need to stop the vicious cycle and move away from it.

I beg my girls to stay out of drama, yet it still seems to find them, and then sucks us as parents into its sticky web.  When my husband and I get stuck in this web, we inevitably seem to take the worst blows. We are blamed for all of it somehow, and even when we try to “play nice” it bites us in the rear end. I feel guilty for ever getting involved in any of these situations, where we felt like we were trying to diffuse the situation but it always seems to turn into a battleground somehow…not sure why, but as I have said before,  I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and that when we have opened the “gates” for honest talking with people, it turns out to be the demise of a relationship…as if it was brewing for ages under the surface.  I ache knowing that the outcomes of these blowups could have ended more amicably, but they don’t.  They are sad endings to long relationships that maybe were over long ago, and we just were too naïve to notice it coming or too busy worrying about this very thing happening at some point and biting our tongues to avoid it… we have taken them all on the chin and added it to the checklist of LIFE and GROWING UP…live and learn.

So next time I start to say something to make my daughter feel guilty for not coming home to spend time with us, or think about something I said to a dear one that could’ve been said nicer, or remember how someone tried to make me feel bad,  I need to remind myself to let it go…I cannot change the past, but I can steer clear of guilt and its best friend worry…they won’t be welcome, and when they come to my door and try to turn the knob and enter into my life again, I will simply tell them to “let it go”…

Healthy Makes Happy.

 

I am the queen of dieting…or one of millions of queens on the diet carousel. Round and round we go…and keep hopping off before the ride ends. I have done this ever since I became a mother.  Especially after I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism.  I ballooned up after my second daughter was born…I literally felt and looked like a pufferfish.  I thought I had post partum depression really bad…I was miserable.  I finally went to the doctor after about seven months of misery.  He thought it was depression too, since I had it after my first pregnancy. But thought more of it, and decided to do a full bloodwork up to check everything. Thank GOD he did. I was handed a pamphlet about Hashimoto’s ( Hashi what?!! A side note-I never have heard a doctor say this again in fourteen years…), started my meds immediately, lost about thirty pounds in a couple of months with ease,  and never looked back…until my next two pregnancies…and turning 40.

So this still very young body of mine has felt to be about eighty for the past few years.  It got progressively worse after our son was born. I had him when I was thirty-nine going on forty. The weight wouldn’t budge…even with two years of nursing( all the supermodels and celebrity moms SWEAR the pounds melt off with nursing) and changing my diet…I said to myself- I give up.

I am just going eat pizza and drink regular beer and have as many cupcakes as I want. Why bother? Then I kept getting sick…sinus infection after sinus infection. On my last bout of illness in March(including a breast scare), I went to the doctor for yet another antibiotic…my blood pressure was abnormally high for me (150/100) and my sugar was elevated as well as cholesterol…my knees ached, and couldn’t bend a few of my fingers without pain. The nurse informed me it isn’t my thyroid because my labs are ALWAYS normal…it is age. I am getting old, so therefore losing weight “will be an uphill battle from here”. Is this lady really saying this to me right now??? I was miserable. I was sick. And I was especially sick of being sick.

I got a call a few days later from my doctor to inform me that I need to see a nutritionist now because I was pre diabetic. I needed to get the weight under control. I was informed at the nutritionist that I was “obese”…my heart sank. How was this woman calling me obese?!! I know I am a little chunkier than a few years back…but obese?!! What is going on with me?

After a somewhat informative visit to the nutritionist, I decided she was telling me everything I already knew and was doing.  But I was still “obese”.  I started googling, and scanning the internet and facebook for all things thyroid.  Facebook had it all.  This is why I stick around, Mark Zuckerberg.

Which brings me today (for fear of overloading you with too many details).  My new journey started at the end of May.  I found an integrative nutritionist who gets it. Who listens. Does that actually exist anymore?  Thankfully it does. She does.  I have been losing the weight slowly but I am down twelve and a half pounds since I started eating healthier(or so I thought) on my own in January to lose the weight. But with my new doctor, I have a new clean diet, more energy and a healthier outlook. Except for one roadblock-my thyroid.

 

The piece de resistance…I went to my GP the other day to beg and plead to have complete thyroid panel done ( they have refused constantly and even for the need to get a referral to see an endo) and a A1C test done (recommended by both nutritionists) to see what is going on with my sugar level.  SHE AGREED!!!! Can I just say I have NEVER been happier to go to the lab for blood work?!! I literally danced when I got out to the car…it was a small but oh so important victory.

See, they can say no all they want to do this test or that. But I know my body. I know that even with my new diet and way of thinking, something is still not right.  So as I end this blog today, know that I will be making this a good karma kind of day…victory is MINE (as Famous Footwear tells me regularly via emails)!

Update since original post: I have been officially diagnosed with Rheumatoid arthritis after FINALLY confirming I had Hashimoto’s fourteen years later. I may also have psoriatic arthritis and this seems to flare when I eat something that is a “cheat”, yet another food sensitivity, or not on my AIP. I have successfully lost a little over twenty pounds…slow and steady.  (Note to all Autoimmune sufferers…Gluten is NOT your friend! Eliminating Gluten brought me more relief than anything)…But most importantly,  I FEEL better! Not so many aches and pains and my energy level is amazing…all priceless accomplishments for anyone suffering from an autoimmune disorder.

 

 

Rainy Saturdays

Nothing is more soothing than hearing the rain at night while lying in bed…well except when it is 3 in the morning and sleep seems impossible.  That is about the time when I realized that maybe I should start writing a blog…as my mind was racing with all sorts of topics…why I am wide awake for the third night in a row, family drama, friend drama, all the projects that we have to finish around the house… It was an endless list. By the time I finally dozed off, I think my mother-in-law was awake brewing her coffee and checking her email.  She is forever an early riser (before even the roosters rise)…I am sure it makes for a long yet productive day…that is, until about seven p.m. and eyelids start drooping and your bed is calling your name.

So I have been awake with my little ones and husband on this rainy Saturday for hours now.  What to do at the beach with thousands of other people looking to entertain themselves and family?  Not sure yet, since I am looking around at breakfast that needs to be cleaned up from earlier (and then starting lunch) and toys scattered everywhere.  Hopefully this rainy Saturday lends itself to being a “good karma” kind of day and we can balance productivity with a little fun thrown in…only the hours ahead will tell.