As I get ready to cast my first stone, many will say I shouldn’t dare say what I am about to say. That I too, have two faces.
We all do.
We have a good face, and a bad face.
The good one is wrinkle free, blemish free and smooth and soft like a baby’s bottom.
The bad face is ugly…oozing zits, lines, scars, dark circles…you name it, it is there.
I tend to like to think that I could look in a mirror and see the good face…underneath, there are flaws, insecurities, self-doubt. But confident enough to say that what I am looking at is worth it enough to smile back in the mirror at myself.
I have bad face days too…but not to the extent I am speaking of. The dark circles and lines build up to the surface after too many moments like the one inspiring me right now to write this all down and clear my head.
My head is swirling with the images and emotions of people with these two faces. That are making me feel ugly right now thinking this way. That cause me to be angry, or sad or mad or even jealous.
Horrible childish feelings that make me want to scream or cry…in their faces and beg them to explain why they do the things they do.
To say something so hurtful or jaded and pass judgement on someone and then befriend them…why? Out of pity for them so you mock them behind their backs as well? To not speak or utter a word to someone for ages, and yet constantly creep into their world and stir up these ugly feelings? That is what it is doing and I do not know why I let it in…I just cringe at the thought of how mean some people can knowingly be…sometimes they are even so aware that they are this way, and just don’t care…maybe because they need to have the last laugh? Feel vengeful after feeling tormented their whole lives for not fitting in or knowing how to show their true good face?
It must be easier to reveal their bad face to overcome their own insecurities and darkness inside. Because now as I write this, I am reflecting on more and more moments of people with their bad faces staring at me.
Maybe its me.
I bring out the worst in people? I cause them to dig deep in the darkness and say or do these terrible things?
I think not.
I may be a lot of things, but the one thing I will never own is someone else’s b.s.
I have enough of my own, thank you.
If someone feels the need to entertain me or build a “friendship” based on these ugly truths/lies/gossip, then they are no friend of mine.
At some point we should all have a comfort level to say how we really feel about someone or something. ..but only if we know that other person really well or “think about what you are going to say before you say it” mommy-ism in the back of our heads making sure we edit our thoughts and feelings before putting them out in the universe.
But sadly, many do not think before they speak…including me. But some things are better left unsaid. And the moments that are gnawing at me now are ones that should have stayed tucked away...forever.
I want to crawl under a rock or run far away from people like these, and cry for them.
I pity them…I know I am not perfect, but I have never recalled a moment where I could show such a wicked ugly face then turn and have my pretty happy face on, ready to put on a good show.
As I get older, I am thinking maybe I just think too much…or care too much. Even about that person who was judged, who doesn’t want or need me anymore, and maybe even that dark ugly face of the person who always shows me their good face, to then turn their back and a split second later speaks ill of me.
I need to stop.
I have vented before about these trivial things because they truly do bug me. I don’t know why. My husband could care less about them. I don’t think that’s the right answer either though…
We should care how we treat each other and the example we set for our children…karma is a you-know-what so we need to remember our kids are watching and listening to every word we say…and checking our faces that we show them…the good one, or the bad.