Tag Archives: love

Regret.

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Regret.

We all have a few. I may have more than I thought as I ponder this…

We arrived at the college where our oldest plans to go in the fall. It just so happens to be where I briefly attended after high school.

As I entered the building the flashbacks started. Where I would enter the building after taking the train in to the city several times a week. The spot where I would chain smoke cigarettes before being trapped inside all day in classes. The smell of the stairwell…sensory overload.

I screwed up...big time. I left this college really and truly before my journey had ever even begun. I mentally kick myself every time I think about my decision to walk away.

I dreamed BIG. Since I could remember as a little girl,  I had paper and pencil in hand…sketching. Hiding from life in my room or in the car or wherever I was allowed to have paper and pencil at the ready.

My Aunt was visiting my Grandparent’s once at the same time my family was, and she handed me a sketch pad and charcoal pencils…I will never forget that moment…she noticed.  I was talented. I loved everything about art and drawing and anyone who spoke “art” speak.

Which brings me back to college. I have this amazingly gifted Uncle who also noticed my talents. Whenever I was with him, he gave me pointers, lessons and even later in my high school and post high school years, jobs with him in the city or at his company. And he was the one who inspired my sorry excuse for a lazy teenage self, to pursue my dreams. He took me to an open house at this college, from which he was an alumni.  I fell in love immediately.  My dreams were right in front of me…eat, sleep, breath art.

I loved everything about it. My classes, new friends,  being in the city. My creative side was surprising me…bursting with talent I didn’t even know possible.

Then I walked away.

If I say I regret this momumental decision,  that would be saying I regret my life now…my husband, my kids,  my choices.

In a parallel universe that dumb girl went back. She finished school, immersed in all things art.

She wrote thank you letters to that Aunt who noticed…and to the mentor/Uncle who meant so much to her…and still does.

She became who she dreamt of being…but without that husband or those kids.

She is happy in that world of art…

But so is this girl. This girl who made a life out of bad choices, relationships and bad karma. She turned all that bad stuff into something really really good.

She is still creative in a frazzled, mommy sort of way…but all in all, made a different dream come true.

She found a prince charming who built her a castle to protect her and their clan from all that bad stuff. She found happiness and love when even in her darkest days, seemed impossible…

Regrets?

She has none.

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Sappy But True.

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Sappy But True.

 

 

I love my husband.  I REALLY love my husband. Some people may gag at that thought. I am not a “sappy” person, so for me to write this open “love” note to my husband is a tad over the top for me.  But he deserves it.

We met nineteen years ago.  We dated casually.  We lived across the street from each other in a hip little town. He was a surfer that managed a surf shop.  I owned a coffee house.  He would throw the biggest and best parties in town.  Everyone knew him.  And he liked ME. Well, and two other girls…but that is why I say we dated casually.  I tease him about that to this day, but I had also dated another person at the time too so we were not really taking relationships too seriously yet. 

Life got sticky. Family. Work. Money. I went away. He didn’t return my calls. Ouch.

I came back a few weeks later, and moved on from him. Got my head in the game of work, work, and more work.  No more boys and parties to distract me…nope not me.

Then he appeared again. With his blond hair, ski sweater( It was January), and huge smile. Not biting. He asked me on a REAL date…not a beer and fries kinda date at the local Irish bar. A real grown up kinda dinner date. 

I caved. I said yes.

Other than him traveling for a ski trip to Colorado that was preplanned before we got back together, and his countless days over eighteen years of traveling for business, we are together. Forever.  I DO actually believe this.

We are both determined to make it work…when things are bad, because they get bad for everyone…when one of us wants to give up…when we cannot make the other one laugh or smile…we remind each other of all that we put ourselves through to get to this point.

What seemed as endless years of being broke – eating mac and cheese and pasta endlessly. Our treat would be to fatten up at our parents’ houses when we would visit…which was a lot…we were hungry.

Years of fighting…all I know is the “run when things get tough” lifestyle, and he is from the “stand together when things are rough” life…we balanced each other I guess.

Living in my in-law’s house several times with our children to get money saved…and support.  We were clueless.  Still are somedays.

It must be working. Nineteen years together, four kids, many jobs, two companies started, one house fire,  vacations we couldn’t and now finally can afford, health scares and illness, and countless memories shared…

I am anxiously awaiting my husband’s arrival after a VERY long six day business trip to launch yet another company with his business partner. I am so proud of him.  He is a natural salesman…not the greasy, slimy kind that makes you want to run in the opposite direction when looking to buy a car…he is honest and funny and optimistic. He can build or design anything…in our shed. He reminds me of my Grandfather,( with whom he had a great relationship with and looked up to), a man that was always curious and building and creating until he died at 92.

I cannot wait to hear about his trip, and celebrate with a day at the beach and cocktails tonight in our little backyard while barbequing something yummy for dinner. I also cannot wait for my partner to help me balance out our family…and give me a little break. I feel like I am missing a limb when he is gone. I feel like my judgment is always blurred with the kids when I am left to here to hold down the fort…I let them take advantage of me, because I am running in circles trying to keep the basics going around here. Until my husband returns. Then I just want to collapse, scream and yell, or run away. 

But then he holds me tight, brings us back together as a united front.  We stand tall together. We need each other.  This is why it has worked.  We have made a life together, through good and bad, to let our kids know that some things ARE worth fighting for…