Left Behind.

I left it all behind…

I cannot believe it has been two months since I have written a blog. I lost my interest when something else captured it.

Politics.

It has been consuming me, causing a wicked fire in my belly. All day and night, and keeping me awake through the night way too often. I haven’t been this passionate about anything in a long time…especially politics.

I won’t get in to my feelings or views…I just can’t right now. It feels like wasted breath at times. Then I get a hold of myself and realize it is never wasted breath when you believe in something so strongly.

It has affected my daily life, where I have been distracted from household chores, ignoring my kids- “just give me ONE more second”- and even my blog.

I could apologize to my husband, children, and my neglected home and blog, but I don’t think it is necessary. They understood. They saw my passion and heard it loud and clear most days.

There is something profound about young children being curious about politics and world issues at very young ages…especially when my teenage/ young adult kids are really not interested at all.

The little ones chanted and cheered with me while watching debates, and news shows. They cheered me on when I would drag someone along with me to a march or rally. They don’t completely understand what is going on, but are adorably enthusiastic about it all.

The dust is settling today in the world of politics, as the conventions have ended and we all have a pretty good idea what we are up against now. It is time to focus on real life on the home front for a while, and turn my political passion in a reality.

To find some balance again…

I won’t give up on this new found hobby/interest…it is important to stay focused on what my children will need as they grow older. To not have endless wars, debt, and a world crumbling in front of their eyes and all around them…

To give them hope.

I am going to give myself a day or two to refocus on what lies ahead, and hug my kids tighter. Maybe take out the dust cloth and organize some things around here…November isn’t too far off, and I will need to find balance in both arenas before diving back in to the deep end of the murky pool of  dirty politics…

So until then, I will remind myself daily of why I was so passionate for all those months and how I lost track of daily life, I will continue the good fight for what’s right for myself and my family, and most importantly…

Keep balance with it all so no one or no thing, is left behind again.

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Apologies.

I need to apologize to my followers. I have inundated my social media pages over the last few weeks with my political views. I am usually a pretty opinionated person, but keep some things to myself.  As stated in my last blog, I have learned to keep my mouth shut on many things lately…but for some reason, politics are just too good, too juicy of a topic right now to hold back!

I don’t know why it is, maybe because I am older and more aware of politics, but I am very passionate this time around. I grew up in a VERY Republican family, but as a young adult, I swayed more towards the Independents…mostly due to my  very Republican Grandfather having a change of heart in politics when Ross Perot ran…I was in awe of my Grandfather’s passion for all things Ross Perot…and now I feel his passion.

If I could have a ten minute chat with my Grandfather, I would LOVE to hear his thoughts on the political scene right now!

Regardless of why, I have quite possibly lost followers and friends…I am not cowering behind my beliefs, just acknowledging that maybe I might be taking it too far on a personal level…

I am thinking I may start a separate page for political venting of like minds (I know my sister and hubby will join at least!) and spew on and on without my dear friends and family gagging at my latest onslaught of “shares”, quotes, or rants.

I think this is the beauty of politics though-I find this all very exciting as a middle-aged woman with kids in college, a mortgage payment, and dwindling savings account due to ridiculous medical co pays and fees. I love the bantering, and hearing both sides all on my little cell phone that gives me constant updates, news articles, and Google (God I love to Google stuff!)…I love watching some of the politicians squirm with uncomfortable questions that put them on the spot.

If only I could be asking the questions at the debates…

I LOVE the debates.

There is yet another one on this evening…that is where I will be at 9p.m.(if anyone is looking for me). I will promise to refrain from play by play’s on social media this time…

Or maybe I am lying right now like so many politicians… 😉

Moving On.

I am not perfect.

I hold grudges.

I pout.

I even have had my share of temper tantrums.

I have had more battles and bickered with friends and family over my lifetime than I can remember.

But I also love.

I love too much sometimes. I dive deep into relationships and friendships, and that must muddle things a bit over time, I guess…

I don’t know…

Life is hard enough. I cannot muddle things anymore.

I thought I was learning that lesson a lot in the past year.

Life and death are the truest lessons of this.

Nothing is more bone chilling than death and dying to put things into perspective for a person.

Then you have the beauty of life to give balance to the loss or death of loved ones…

New babies, new loves, new life.

These are the moments that make me stop and realize…

Cut the crap out…it’s time to grow up.

No more bickering with my sisters as if we were still in high school and fighting over the mirror in the bathroom, or over clothes or remote controls. No more getting in to each other’s business and cutting a wedge so deep between us, that the gap is still not fully repaired.

No more saying what I feel like saying, whether it hurts someone or not, because I was an angry selfish teenager and young adult who hated her parents and life in general. Or as a mother or wife or friend who is miserable because she hasn’t fulfilled her dreams and passions, so she will take it out on everyone else around her…

I cannot be her anymore…time to move on.

I am not perfect.

I still make some of those mistakes as a middle aged mother/wife/sister/daughter…and friend.

I say too much. Or at least I used to. I needed a wake up call…you would have thought all the challenges over the past year would be enough…

The lightbulb went on many times, (or maybe I should say someone was flicking the light switch and on and off to test the circuits) trying to get me to realize all the anger, jealousy and hate was not necessary or needed…but I wasn’t paying attention.

That lightbulb was shining bright about a week ago when I saw an old friend and realized how foolish I can be.

It was almost two years since we spoke…over dumb stuff…that didn’t seem so dumb at the time. And we just let it all go…just like that. After building on a friendship for over eleven years, it was over.

I say it all the time, I believe everything happens for a reason…not sure why that all happened, but I guess it needed to…we needed time apart to figure life out.

Yet I found myself sobbing on my old friend’s shoulder (in public at a local benefit after too many cheap beers), apologizing and laughing and crying as if nothing had ever happened between us…

And letting go…

Of anger, temper tantrums, pouting, jealousy, and sadness…

I won’t say too much anymore to deliberately hurt someone because of my own misery…not because I have nothing to say, but what value is there on being opinionated or bossy or just a plain old jerk?

I am painting myself out to be a pretty big bitch right now, and I am actually a pretty nice person…just a lot on my brain and heaviness in my heart.

Such a weight lifted off my heavy heart…

Things may never be exactly as they were with me and my old friend, but it is so refreshing to know if we see each other, the tension won’t be there anymore… just smiles, and hugs and love and support.

And in another sense,( Moving On being my title for this blog), I need to move on from other relationships…ones that I have tried for most of my adult life to keep afloat, and they just keep drifting away. I think those relationships are safe to say, “Bon Voyage” and wish them well on their journey to their next chapter in life…

Without me in it.

I have written of these relationships before because I have an inner struggle with truly and completely let it go. Not sure if it is from guilt or just wanting to give it one more try, or because I am a glutton for punishment…or maybe it is because I am too nice and let people walk all over me…

Whatever the reason, I need to let it go as well…

I need to stick to my guns, and lift the anchor, and let that ship sail…no guilt or anger at myself…just peace knowing I tried. And tried some more…

And focus on the people who have always been in my life, even after returning from a mini vacation from our friendship, or those who were not sure of whether they should stay or go, but wind up staying by my side…these people help define me. They tell me to cut the crap…

The imperfect mother/wife/sister/daughter…and friend. The woman who vents on a blog to the world about big things and little things.

I don’t know if I am tired and getting old, but venting on a blog is about all I can manage anymore…fighting is for the birds…I have more important things to do like being a better wife/daughter/sister/mother and friend…

And moving on…

 

Selfish.

I would like to be selfish.

I want to sleep in till seven…or eight. I want to sit in peace and quiet and sip my coffee.

I want to figure out where to begin my day…do I put on yoga pants and take a class, or go for a long walk?

I want to say no to the class, and get myself dolled up and go shopping and get my nails done if I so choose.

Or maybe take out my painting clothes, and go get dirty out back and be creative on a piece of furniture.

I want to be selfish.

I want to not worry about making lunches or what’s for dinner, or laundry that needs to be done and folded and put away.

I want to not worry about dusting or vacuuming or dirty bathrooms.

I want  to not worry who has what activity after school and how I will pick everyone up on time.

I want to not worry about college kids that need supplies packed up, rides back to campus, and more spending money.

I want to not worry about late night phone calls or texts from a homesick college student who misses us desperately.

I want to not wake up ten times during the night by little ones coming in to sleep in my bed, then kicking me through the night.

If only…

Well, I am allowed to be selfish…today.

I have been granted that wish today…

My Mother-in-law has come to my aid.

I have another week of 24/7 parenting until my husband returns home. I am told to go do whatever I want…all day. And yet I have no clue what to do with myself…and no desire to be that jerk I talk about above…my selfish lists are thoughts tucked away in my brain of all these little things that annoy me on a daily basis-that make me want to be this obnoxious uncaring person. They are just wishful thinking when I cannot deal for another second with countless lists of mundane tasks day in and day out.

 I know others have it way worse, but I am an overwhelmed mother of five sick kids with pneumonia-all healed or healing, with countless doctor visits, and charts of who gets what medicine/breathing treatments and how and when I can get everyone back to school and activities and healthy again…on top of the meals and laundry and dishes…I am officially overwhelmed.

So I am being selfish today for a little bit.

I will take these few hours to vent  on this blog, and go wander aimlessly around a store, and maybe even buy something for myself…but that’s about it.

I have definitely lost myself in life and all that goes with it. I crave knowledge and being creative again.

But I don’t really and truly want to be that selfish woman. I will never be that woman…other than the one who puts on her painting clothes and goes out back with paint and sander in hand. Or write a blog about everyday boring life events…that is me.  

My time will come someday soon to have all day to do whatever I want, and the kids won’t need me as much and there will be fewer messes to clean…so I will take these few hours today to be a little selfish, to reflect on my tough days to appreciate the good ones, and remember how precious these days are with my growing family, as overwhelming as they can be…

This is my life.

I will be selfish…just for today.

Hugs.

I am a Mother of six.

I carried five, gave birth to four, and love one unconditionally as one of my own.

I am not perfect. 

I am, on most days, a scarred and bitter person. I can hide it well…sometimes.

But on this very day, all that matters, is that I am a Mother.

I feel urged to write this to a younger confused generation, with too much information at their fingertips, not enough social interactions, and way too many emotions pent up that seem to bring anger and resentment to the world around them…

And not enough hugs.

We had dinner the other night with some family, and ended it with me bringing up the “Twenty Second Rule” of hugs…which gloriously ended in enough hugs to make all of us leave the restaurant with content bellies and warm hearts with big smiles on our faces…

Because it works.

But is not happening enough anymore in our world…we are all guilty of too much “me” time…maybe grabbing some extra Facebook time, or binging on a favorite t.v. series, or spa and gym days…

Don’t get me wrong, these are all essential for us to stay mentally healthy and balanced within ourselves…but some days, we may overlook something…our duties as parents…we need to put our needs aside for even just twenty seconds…

I challenge you…PLEASE…go to your child right now and tap them on the shoulder, as they are staring at a cellphone, t.v. or laptop screen….and jolt them out of this…

Tell them you need to talk. As they rise to go to talk with you, take them in your arms and hold them…for twenty seconds…or more…then tell them you are sorry…that no job, or t.v. show or phone call is more important than this…holding this child in your arms and remembering all those moments that brought you here…tell them you love them, and that they can tell you anything, no matter what…

Mothers…we come in all shapes and sizes, colors, genders and no matter what..our babies need us. Our duty is to them right now, and forever…

Today is a day for our children to celebrate us, but without them, there would be nothing to celebrate…So grab your babies/toddlers/teens/grown children/fur babies and tell them you love them and start squeezing.

Twenty second hugs are good enough.

Saying Hello.

Well…it has happened.

The waterworks are on full blast. This will make things complicated as I type this…and even more difficult if the tears don’t stop as I help my firstborn back her things.

She is leaving us tomorrow for college. It isn’t a typical college, so she is going with a little time off here and there, but gone for a solid eighteen months…if not longer.

Longer as in not ever coming home to live with us again.

Sure, she will visit…she will maybe even stay for a few weeks if we are lucky.

But I know this young woman pretty well, and her wings are open and ready to soar…

She won’t be coming back to our nest.

My baby bird is leaving us…forever.

Today will be my final day of her being silly and loud and coming down in her pj’s with wild hair, and sitting quietly on the sofa curled up in a ball, as she adjusts to waking up.  She will come over to me eventually and wrap her arms around me and say “good morning, Mommy”…she still calls me Mommy…and I am ok with that.

This will be her last day with us a resident in our home…she will always call this place home…but she cannot wait to make a home of her own. I know in my bones that when she is finished college, she may choose to continue with school, but I am pretty certain she will be looking for her own nest to start building.

Her own life.

She has wanted this since as far back as I can remember. To live in the city, and soak up all things fashion, art, theater, and fine dining…to be independent and full of life.

I already know who she is…and she IS that girl.

She will embrace this opportunity with full force…she will make her dreams come true.

We believe in her.

And we will forever be here to love her and support her…there will be bumps in the road, and maybe even a change of course in her plans for the future…we will be here through the good and the bad…always.

So this may be written on a tear stained keyboard, but they are happy tears. My firstborn IS leaving us today, and tomorrow will be one of the hardest days of our lives…but exciting too.

I will not say goodbye to her…

I will say hello.

Hello to this vibrant, fun, talented, motivated young woman who is beginning to write Chapter One of her story…

And I cannot wait to read it.

Date Night.

I am lame. It is Friday night. It was supposed to be date night.  Irish Weekend in our town…tons of people, parties, music…lots of fun to be had.

As I stated, I am lame.  I could not get myself motivated to do it…the much anticipated, needed, wanted date night.  A night out with my hubby. a.k.a. boyfriend/best friend, to talk freely, drink to be merry, and laugh about anything and everything.  To be adults and not need to be interrupted 800 times during a meal to cut food or take kids to the bathroom ( that don’t really need to go but are sick of sitting at the table and coloring on placemats and just want to check out the bathroom) or deal with picking up the same toy off the floor twenty times and the inevitable spilling of a drink…on the table, in laps, in a shoe.

It happens…every time. No joke.

I adore my kids and love teaching them about how to behave in nice restaurants and trying new foods, but it is utterly exhausting. As I sit there cutting chicken tenders and testing fries to see if they are still scalding hot from the fryer, I daydream about date night.

To apply a little extra makeup, wear a white shirt, without worrying about snot, spills or hand prints on it. To pick a place and not worry about whether or not they have a kiddie menu…to sit in silence if we so choose…oh how I fantasize.

And yet, here I am blogging in sweatpants instead of applying eye makeup and perfume.

It is Friday night.  Up since five a.m. Attempting to go back to sleep several times, but never able to. The two little ones still coming to me (never my husband) to say they cannot sleep and to please let them snuggle…in my queen size bed.  At first, I could care less…I am half asleep and this has been happening to me on and off for almost eighteen years.  But around two or three a.m., I wake up with children wrapped all over me like Velcro…or an octopus…or both.

I so envision myself out on the town, sharing laughs with my husband and friends that we haven’t seen all summer. On this beautiful fall night, with my best friend. The guy that said to me- I get it…you are exhausted…so how about I take the kids out for ice cream and give you some time alone? That guy…the guy that gets me and loves me and will wait for tomorrow to have a date night.  So I hope that writing this doesn’t bring me bad karma and that I cannot go out tomorrow for some disastrous reason…that it puts my sleepy, cranky vibes out there in the universe so I can justify not forcing myself after a LONG day, of sitting here writing and watching bad t.v. to make tomorrow night the better choice for date night…hopefully a good night’s sleep. Taking my time with chores. Giving myself time to apply makeup and find a clean shirt without stains. And enjoy…actually enjoy…date night.

Messes.

UPDATE: Even almost two years later, I am STILL feeling this way…and life just got even crazier around here! Which is NOT helping in the mess department…oh well. I will get to it someday.

 

I am THAT Mom. I hate messes. I despise them actually. Toys, piles of papers, shoes, laundry, overflowing trash bins…it drives me almost mad…not there just yet…but VERY close.

My house is ALWAYS a mess, it seems.  I don’t think it bothers me so much because of what others may think, I think it is just truly and honestly ME…I get this fire in my belly about it.  Sometimes it unleashes itself to my husband and children, or sometimes I just run around the house mumbling under my breath about “how many stinking times will I pick up this toy” or shoe or sweatshirt…the list of objects is endless.

I grew up in a house with three sisters and a mother and stepfather. Our house was only clean on the weekends and “pre-party” as my sister calls it.  We kids did a majority of the cleaning, (which is ok since I want my kids to also learn how to keep their things neat and organized and clean…but I am still working on that), and huffing and puffing that we hated Saturdays and chore lists and could care less about folding clothes, weeding gardens and washing pots and pans.

Our kids/mess makers sound a lot like me and my sisters did. They are 17, almost 15(tomorrow, but who’s counting!), seven and two…so the array of chores/capabilities is vast and the assortment of things they leave behind in my little home is UNREAL.

How can someone be asked to put their shoes away that are laying in the MIDDLE of the floor, and only grab ONE?!

Or to clean the mountain of clothes strewn across the floor in the teenagers’ room, only to find the clothes shoved in the closet or overflowing drawers…

Or ” Hey, could load the dishwasher for me while I am making dinner?” thanks beautiful offspring of mine who is fully capable and intelligent enough to know that means EVERYTHING in the sink…and then WIPE and RINSE out the sink…task complete…no such luck. Remnants of food and God only knows what else still lay in the sink and all over the counter and floor around the dish loading area.

NOT my actual kitchen, but how I am feeling when the kids clean the kitchen…

 

I am stalling right now, writing yet another post about something that may bring me bad karma for thinking/writing it, that these little and big messes are all around my feet, irritating me to no end…My Little Ponies under my desk, on my desk, under my chair. Puzzle pieces, cars, and more DVD’s than I can count are all over our family room, thanks to my two year old who thinks DVD’s are toys. I am avoiding the inevitable as my son naps…time for a “blitz” as I like to call it…tidy everything up just so I can sit back (did I just type the word sit?!) and look around at my cute little home and feel pride…

Not happening…

My kids- as much as I love them- irk me. They are not learning from me…the tireless job of mothering, or as they like to call it, nagging.  My job is to TEACH them life skills and nurture and love them (they are all getting a D this marking period from me).They tell me to make chore charts, (so I don’t need to nag) write it down, leave notes on their door…yeah right. I still have to nag about where the chore list went, or sticky note that said exactly what I needed done…commence nagging. I would do it all for them, really. I don’t mind cleaning, but it is the repetition of doing the SAME chores every single day, that are driving me batty.  So sharing the “wealth” helps keep me sane and is supposed to teach them some responsibility…supposedly…

So with a little more structure during this school year, I will be making a new chore chart, and doing my blitz momentarily, and then quite possibly having ten minutes to spare to sit back and enjoy the view…before they all come home again…

Rain Rain Go Away…

Sheesh. It is raining…again.  I know my sister would be saying, “oh stop. It’s good for our veggie plants and grass”.. .that is until her ceiling starts gushing rain water later tonight.

I don’t mind rain at all. But it is sort of the salt on an open wound for me today.  I know I have whined about bad karma or bad days before, but this feels like a temper tantrum worthy sort of day.

None of of our alarms went off this morning. Most days, I could care less for missing an alarm,  but having to be up at the crack of dawn to pack up a family of six and close up the house for an overnight (to spend gobs of money at the mall for back-to-school clothes and supplies) at my in-laws was stressing me out already.

Not to mention a phone meeting at noon for my hubby and two back-to-back doctor appointments BEFORE shopping even commenced.

The car ride was an hour and change of pure torture. Not only did the a/c on my side of the car stop working, it decided to blast heat instead. As if that wasn’t bad enough, the typical bickering soon turned into verbal boxing ring between out three oldest. Such petty, mind-numbing topics to freak out about…yet the most important and current event for them to defend and fight for. Who took who’s earbuds or who farted or who forgot to charge what device…as my kids have taught me to text in a simple response….UGH.

So not a great karma kind  of day,  but managed to end it with some good wine and food and laughter. I guess that is all I can ask for♡