Tag Archives: weight loss

Cheater.

Standard
Cheater.

I know what happens when I cheat. But I still do it. More and more. It is like a drug. I cannot control that impulse.

I hate cheaters.

I grew up hating cheaters. It was embedded in my core that cheaters are no good.

And yet, here I am…cheating.

It may not be as bad as what I was told growing up. I can fix it…I can repair the damage that is done.  But how long will that feeling last and when will the cheating not be enough? Will I give up on everything for the sake of cheating?

I know I have a good thing. I finally have stability and happiness. 

But that obviously meant nothing. I did it knowing that my imaginary Family Bible full of do’s and don’ts says “Thou Shall Not Cheat”…I am a sinner in the eyes of my family, and now that I am realizing it myself…I have sinned against myself most importantly.

I am not a Holy Roller…but I believe (as I may have stated many times before) that everything happens for a reason…even my cheating.

I am guessing that my realization and guilt of cheating more and more is becoming a problem for me…and it has to stop...now.

I am not making light of an actual cheater,(one who has a relationship with someone else while married or committed to another), and the hurt and pain that causes or how it can destroy an entire family in an instant…grew up in that world and take it very seriously.

I am talking about me...my cheating with food. The love of my life…because in that Family Bible there may have been a hefty section regarding food…eat it, smother it on your face, let it make you sick or fat or sad…do whatever you want with it…it’s o.k

Food is my cheat.

I have taken the last year of my life to find that peace within myself and to understand my conditional relationship with food and my health and why I let it control me, and done really well. I am not dieting anymore, I am living…better. I eat what I want. I follow a list of restrictions, which was overwhelming at first, but not because I want to lose weight (and I have lost over thirty pounds of which I am very proud of but not focusing on too much), but because I want to learn how to live healthier and happier… not to just be skinny again for a few months, only to slowly add the weight and misery back on again.

And I was.

I made it through the holidays…usually my worst time with cakes and candy and heavy meals.

Soooo, I say to myself today, why have I cheated? I don’t know…I just wanted a cookie…albeit a gluten free one, but still a cookie. Or a few french fries…or a mixed drink…whatever it has been, I have paid the price afterward.

cookies

Cheating does not sit well with me, literally. 

I follow a strict and fulfilling diet for several health reasons. I eat as clean as I can and have stuck to it for the most part, for almost six months now.

When I have unknowingly or knowingly cheated, I feel awful. Maybe similar to the guilt one may feel after really cheating, but more a physical feeling versus emotional.

But this is where the emotional part is catching up to me…I don’t want to cheat. I love this new way of life…so why am I doing it? Boredom? Being stuck in the house with kids and treats on yet another snow day? I don’t know…but it has to stop.

I have big plans for when this cold miserable weather takes a vacation and lets Spring come back to work in its place…

The pain is not worth it.

                                                                     The guilt isn’t either.

My brain and my stomach and my heart are fighting each other…and now I am going to be my own mediator and tell them to stop…make peace with one another.

What has happened in the past, stays in the past.  I cannot take back the harm I have done but I need to move forward, just breathe and let it go…

Wish it were that simple for real cheaters…

Advertisements

FAT.

Image
FAT.

Oh yeah…that is a bad word.

It is mean.

It ticks people off. It brings out the worst in people.

Well, when you are pointing out someone’s struggle with weight, that is…

It is just plain rude or annoying.

Been there, done that.

I recently had a person go so far as to ask me if I was pregnant again…

Yep they said that.

Which is a moment when you feel more sorry for the person who just made the comment than feeling sorry for your overweight self. That awkward moment…

Silence… and then the realization of what just occurred.  Ouch.

Yes it hurt.

I cried.

I wallowed in countless cookies and treats…why deprive myself of my favorite goodies? Losing two pounds after months of walking and changing my diet ( I was PROUD of those two shed pounds) , and someone STILL thinks I look pregnant?

My response was…”Nope…no baby. Just FAT“…

Heck…why not?  Why can’t I say that to her?

If she was bold enough to say it, I was bold enough, and FAT enough apparently,  to fight back.

I still say hi and smile to my charming aquaintance, but will never forget that moment.

It was a definite motivator.

Funny though that the person has yet to notice the thirty pounds of FAT that have left my body forever.

That is ok…

I did.

I finally caved, and bought some new jeans.

Twice! ( That deserves an exclamation point!) I am down two sizes…and just about ready for another downsizing.

Which was weird for me after years of struggling with only two or five pounds at the most.

But AWESOME all at the same time!

I hesitated for a few months actually to buy anything. I think I was playing mind games with myself…the FAT always returns…do NOT purchase or donate anything just yet.

Maybe it isn’t as noticable in jeans that fit me properly now. I truly thought it was more noticable when it looked like I could fit two of me in my jeans as I constantly needed to hike them up even with a belt.

My momma pouch/jelly roll always held the waistline or belt in place…but not anymore. Not too much fat lives in that area now.

I may still be a little bigger than the average woman, but feeling good inside and out…jumping and running to chase my kids is FUN now…not embarassing.

This is MY small victory against FAT…thirty pounds was something I only saw one other time in my battle against weight loss and getting healthy.

 

THIRTY POUNDS…that is equivalent to ten meatloafs for my family…

download

 That’s alot of meatloaf.

I pray that no one takes offense to my story. I write this knowing dozens of women I adore, love, and respect are fighting the good fight with FAT. And I am certain there are thousands more. Maybe it would motivate one…maybe none.

But that is ok.

I am proud of me…and FAT is not my friend anymore.