We all have a few. I may have more than I thought as I ponder this…
We arrived at the college where our oldest plans to go in the fall. It just so happens to be where I briefly attended after high school.
As I entered the building the flashbacks started. Where I would enter the building after taking the train in to the city several times a week. The spot where I would chain smoke cigarettes before being trapped inside all day in classes. The smell of the stairwell…sensory overload.
I screwed up...big time. I left this college really and truly before my journey had ever even begun. I mentally kick myself every time I think about my decision to walk away.
I dreamed BIG. Since I could remember as a little girl, I had paper and pencil in hand…sketching. Hiding from life in my room or in the car or wherever I was allowed to have paper and pencil at the ready.
My Aunt was visiting my Grandparent’s once at the same time my family was, and she handed me a sketch pad and charcoal pencils…I will never forget that moment…she noticed. I was talented. I loved everything about art and drawing and anyone who spoke “art” speak.
Which brings me back to college. I have this amazingly gifted Uncle who also noticed my talents. Whenever I was with him, he gave me pointers, lessons and even later in my high school and post high school years, jobs with him in the city or at his company. And he was the one who inspired my sorry excuse for a lazy teenage self, to pursue my dreams. He took me to an open house at this college, from which he was an alumni. I fell in love immediately. My dreams were right in front of me…eat, sleep, breath art.
I loved everything about it. My classes, new friends, being in the city. My creative side was surprising me…bursting with talent I didn’t even know possible.
Then I walked away.
If I say I regret this momumental decision, that would be saying I regret my life now…my husband, my kids, my choices.
In a parallel universe that dumb girl went back. She finished school, immersed in all things art.
She wrote thank you letters to that Aunt who noticed…and to the mentor/Uncle who meant so much to her…and still does.
She became who she dreamt of being…but without that husband or those kids.
She is happy in that world of art…
But so is this girl. This girl who made a life out of bad choices, relationships and bad karma. She turned all that bad stuff into something really really good.
She is still creative in a frazzled, mommy sort of way…but all in all, made a different dream come true.
She found a prince charming who built her a castle to protect her and their clan from all that bad stuff. She found happiness and love when even in her darkest days, seemed impossible…
She has none.