Selfish.

I would like to be selfish.

I want to sleep in till seven…or eight. I want to sit in peace and quiet and sip my coffee.

I want to figure out where to begin my day…do I put on yoga pants and take a class, or go for a long walk?

I want to say no to the class, and get myself dolled up and go shopping and get my nails done if I so choose.

Or maybe take out my painting clothes, and go get dirty out back and be creative on a piece of furniture.

I want to be selfish.

I want to not worry about making lunches or what’s for dinner, or laundry that needs to be done and folded and put away.

I want to not worry about dusting or vacuuming or dirty bathrooms.

I want  to not worry who has what activity after school and how I will pick everyone up on time.

I want to not worry about college kids that need supplies packed up, rides back to campus, and more spending money.

I want to not worry about late night phone calls or texts from a homesick college student who misses us desperately.

I want to not wake up ten times during the night by little ones coming in to sleep in my bed, then kicking me through the night.

If only…

Well, I am allowed to be selfish…today.

I have been granted that wish today…

My Mother-in-law has come to my aid.

I have another week of 24/7 parenting until my husband returns home. I am told to go do whatever I want…all day. And yet I have no clue what to do with myself…and no desire to be that jerk I talk about above…my selfish lists are thoughts tucked away in my brain of all these little things that annoy me on a daily basis-that make me want to be this obnoxious uncaring person. They are just wishful thinking when I cannot deal for another second with countless lists of mundane tasks day in and day out.

 I know others have it way worse, but I am an overwhelmed mother of five sick kids with pneumonia-all healed or healing, with countless doctor visits, and charts of who gets what medicine/breathing treatments and how and when I can get everyone back to school and activities and healthy again…on top of the meals and laundry and dishes…I am officially overwhelmed.

So I am being selfish today for a little bit.

I will take these few hours to vent  on this blog, and go wander aimlessly around a store, and maybe even buy something for myself…but that’s about it.

I have definitely lost myself in life and all that goes with it. I crave knowledge and being creative again.

But I don’t really and truly want to be that selfish woman. I will never be that woman…other than the one who puts on her painting clothes and goes out back with paint and sander in hand. Or write a blog about everyday boring life events…that is me.  

My time will come someday soon to have all day to do whatever I want, and the kids won’t need me as much and there will be fewer messes to clean…so I will take these few hours today to be a little selfish, to reflect on my tough days to appreciate the good ones, and remember how precious these days are with my growing family, as overwhelming as they can be…

This is my life.

I will be selfish…just for today.

Coffee.

Sitting here attempting to enjoy my millionth cup of coffee (since age fourteen), in one of my favorite cheesy mugs… I love collecting mugs now for some strange reason. They remind me of things I guess.  We have a nice set of matching mugs, but I have taken to mugs with pictures on them from our travels, or favorite campground. This is truly the highlight of my morning.

That first sip…

God forbid I put too much creamer in it. But it is always fixable.

I never ever get to finish an entire cup of coffee. So these first few sips are like liquid gold to me. Even in the summer when I am broiling.

I am not a Starbucks fan, unless we are on the road ( and sick of having watered down coffee at any given random hotel other than a Marriott) and we are in need of a good strong cup of coffee… I have a special blend at home, to avoid the jitters…and Starbucks always gives me the jitters. So I now stick with decaf when hitting up the rest stop long lines at Starbucks.

Anyway, my husband prefers coffee at home…with me. And I feel the same. It is our ritual in the morning before we do battle with breakfast/lunch, combing out hair, tying shoes, and getting the world in order (at least in our house) by 8 a.m.

My hubby manages to down his coffee each and every day…I am envious of this. Maybe because my hands are busy slopping butter on toast or making sandwiches…but he is a true “enjoy every moment as it happens” kinda guy.

I am not.

I am that frazzled mother who may flip out on occasion in the morning…or any given moment. I feel the chaos running through my veins…if I sneak a sip of my coffee…ahhhh...all is right again in my whacky world.

I have mastered a way to eventually enjoy my coffee…it is now my treat…but this treat also has to sit and wait for me to slow down and drink it.

Iced coffee.

I take that cold sad little cup of coffee that has sat there since six a.m. ( with a few shots to warm it up) and add ICE and a little sweetness!! Voila!  Am I genius or what?!

Not really, but it makes me feel like I didn’t lose this sacred part of my day altogether.

I used to drink tea as well…not a huge tea fan but can tolerate it if I need be (generally when under weather).

When I ask someone if they would like a cup of coffee, and they say no thanks they drink tea, well something triggers in me. It is kind of like a jolt actually. I take immediate offense.

I am sad for them in some weird way…”oh wow, I am so sorry you have never acquired a love for coffee as much as I have” is what I would like to say to them. I feel like the bond between us has just been frayed…and some of these tea lovers are the closest people to me…I think how nice it would have been to sit on the sofa with a warm cup of freshly brewed joe, and have a nice chat (not that this ever really happens in real life…or at least not in mine) holding our mugs of warmth and goodness.

I guess we could still do this, but I may find myself staring at their mug with slight irritation the whole time…these dear people I love who drink tea do also cradle their tea mugs like I try to do with mine (before it gets to room temp).

There is really no point to this blog today, other than my odd obsession with coffee loving and tea bashing…sounds like I am being judgmental.

Maybe I will stop now before I enrage my loved ones anymore than I already have, and go make an iced coffee…

It’s about that time now…

It’s White. It’s Wet. It’s Cold.

Yep. It’s a comin’…a good old blizzard…or snowstorm for some…but good enough to close the state down. School’s out.

Yay! (I think.)

And NO alarm clocks.

I remember those days as a kid. Anxiously awaiting the call. The ONLY time I didn’t mind waking to the sound of a phone ringing at 5:00am. Sitting and waiting and waiting in front of a t.v. for our school name or number to show up on the news.

And when it didn’t…well, I am sure most anyone knows that feeling…the let down of Mother Nature.

The pure dread of having to go get dressed and come up with an excuse for the teacher as to why the homework is incomplete (along with twenty other kids in the class)…mothers huffing and puffing trying to whip up lunches in ten minutes since they spent their usual prep time watching the news as well or calling neighbors to see if they heard anything yet.

That is tonight.

Let the waiting begin.

We are pretty certain it is officially called off…but my luck, there will be an invisible bubble over our town, or turn tropically warm and melt it…the white…wet…cold stuff. Thank goodness I had my milk, bread, and eggs already…but, dang it…I forgot the wine.

It’s gonna be a long 48 hours.

.

Twins.

I don’t have them.  My little sister does. She is blessed with twins. Identical twin girls…not so identical but enough to drive some of us mad trying to figure out which one is which.

They are five today. I am in shock at how quickly time has flown (seeing as I ignore that aging clock…my own children will be four forever) and the twins just started Kindergarten as well…good luck to their teacher!

They are Sweet and Sassy.  Bold and Spicy. Angel and Devil. Happy and Sad. Funny and Serious.

Whatever their mood or feeling, it never seems to be the same…maybe I am wrong…I am just the Aunt. I’m sure their parents could say differently!  But when I see them, it generally takes a second to figure out their differences…then place the name with the difference. If I had been their parent, I may have had to give them name tags for the first four years, then the fifth year would be the teacher’s job to worry who is who…not really, but I am still in awe at how their parents do it.

The girls may look the same, but their personalities have always been different…one seems quieter and more reserved…the other confident and chatty.  It is almost like a yin and yang situation…they balance each other as if they were a whole being that was split into two people…

Amazed. 

Knowing the many different types of twins is even more fascinating to me…how a boy and girl can look similar and were born at the same time yet…they are a BOY and GIRL.

Just another wonder of the world, intriguing, possibly spiritual in some way. I am thinking twins are a gift from God, or the universe or a higher power…I am sure some parents of twins may not see it that way, when dealing with double trouble toddler twins, but to have two people share so much just seems beyond our understanding of life and the universe.  I am certain someone could give a reasonable scientific explanation to the wonders of twins or triplets or just multiples in general.

I would like to think of my nieces as a little piece of heaven…they may be Wonder Twins at times- activating all sorts of twin powers on their siblings or parents (cutting their own hair, filling the kitchen floor with water from a hose, makeup makeovers). But these two little ladies are growing up fast with a bond I will never understand…I have a gift of watching them become their own person from the sidelines…not sure I could handle it day in and day out.. I give their family a big high five for getting through the first five years of life with these two sweetie pies…and wish them many more… Happy birthday to my nieces Fi and Bea<3

Frazzled…

So day two of a rainy weekend…I am feeling a bad karma kind of day coming on.  Two days of being in the house…those scattered toys yesterday are now feeling knee deep.  I am overwhelmed with cooking and cleaning, and whining and messes…I know there are people out there with more pressing issues-loss or illness or a broken heart. I try to keep reminding me of those things as I vent quietly to my husband or out loud when I feel I cannot handle much more…

It is all relative, I guess. The messes can be cleaned. The meals can simply be put away and order take out. The whining can be dealt with…as long as I remember to breathe…just breathe as every book/therapist/women’s magazine that I have read says when searching for that inner calm…

My one wish that I will hold onto forever is looking for peace within myself…that messes and bickering are not important. To be more like my husband who strives to live every day to its fullest…who believes that the messes CAN be dealt with on another day…his weekends are for getting away from the stresses of work and building a business. MY weekends are for getting all those projects completed that he cannot help me with during the week…so the balance on the weekends is always a struggle…fun vs. responsibility. I want to have fun too but find on Monday morning the burden of many house projects still unfinished and/or argued about till I cave and go to the beach. I love the beach too, but in its simplicity. Not hundreds of pounds of boards and toys and gear dragged down for hours of playtime…I long for a chair and a book and a cocktail and sand on my toes…

My venting today is based on being frazzled…nothing major…definitely a minor point in life. Frazzled is defined as such…

fraz·zle

ˈfrazəl/

informal

verb

adjective: frazzled; past participle: frazzled; past tense: frazzled

1. cause to feel completely exhausted; wear out.

   “a frazzled parent”

   Yep. That’s me today. Another rainy day. But I am determined to find the good karma in my day, so I with that, I will attempt to unfrazzle myself and find balance. A little fun AND some work to do around the house.