Someday.

Someday it will be me.

It will be that moment no one likes to think about. Or even say out loud.

Saying goodbye…forever.

Today is day one of many goodbyes to our Grandmother.

It doesn’t come as a shocker. It was not sudden or painful.

It was just time.

Ninety-six years of time.

Blessed time.

But five years without her sweetheart.

So yes…it was just time.

Time to say goodbye to all of us here, and hello to her sweetheart again.

I am trying desperately to remember this…we were blessed. We had her for so long. And now it is time for her to be at peace.

I told her it was okay (we all did), I whispered it in her ear, told her I loved her, many times…we had several weeks with her to say goodbye, as she slowly declined into a peaceful eternal sleep.

But I am still so heartbroken…

I will miss her…my husband and children and sisters and Aunts and Uncles and cousins…we will all miss her.

She was amazing…stylish, classy, funny, devoted and fierce.

She would be hard to forget.

So I will continue to tell stories about her to my children and remind myself of all the beautiful memories we had with her.

She was like a second mother to me and my sisters through some very tough years for our mother and her painful divorce from our father. Our grandmother stepped in and protected us and hugged us and made us smile, when our mother just couldn’t. I don’t hold this against our mother…it was actually a gift. We were able to create a special bond with our Grandmother.

We are forever grateful.

Tonight, is our first of many goodbyes and many tears…some sad but many happy.

We were all blessed to be loved and adored by our Grandmother, Mother, Aunt, Mother-in-law, friend, sister…

 

Thank you, Gram, for just being you…

Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality. ~Emily Dickinson

Sisters.

In memory of our Dear Sweet Aunt Betty. She was blessed with another year with her loved ones since I first wrote this-and now is at peace. We will go say our final goodbyes to her tomorrow. Our Grandmother is unaware and probably couldn’t comprehend her profound loss…and maybe it’s for the best…her sister meant the world to her…her dear sweet Betty…

Karma Is A Funny Thing

I have two.  And they are precious to me. If you asked me twenty years ago, or even thirty years ago, I may have said differently. But as I grow older, I realize I truly cannot live without them. They are my best friends, my confidantes, my source of gossip or laughter when I need it most.

I hope they feel the same...

I am pretty certain  they do.  They would agree our younger years we were rough. We clung to each other through the dark days of divorce, dating and remarriage of our parents. We fought, but also played hard. Barbies were our other best friends…as were forts made out of mattresses, bike riding through the woods, mud pies with ink berries, and catching frogs.

I wouldn’t change any of it…for a second.

It made us who we are today.

I have three daughters as…

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A Few Good Men.

On the six month anniversary of losing one of these good men…cancer won yet another battle, but we are here to remember a loving good man and keep fighting the good fight against cancer.

Karma Is A Funny Thing

I don’t usually write two posts in one day, but  I just have to.

There are a few good men in my life. I won’t name any names, but they know who they are. Well, except for my three year old, since he cannot read this yet…but he knows I adore him.

We have faced some serious challenges recently…but none nearly as bad as some of my favorite men…

I love them. They love me…unconditionally. Some may not be blood, but I have grown to realize this does not matter anymore…it is who sticks around, even when things get tough, that matter most.

And they matter…a lot.

It is not my journey or my story to tell for these men, but all I can do is let them know this…

I love them…I really and truly love them with all of my heart.

They watched me grow…

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Tres Amigos

Inseperable. That is what they were-three young boys who grew into men…a long time ago. A bond of brotherly love. Whether it was due to a shared love of the ocean or music or good times, it didn’t matter. The bond was there. They couldn’t have been more diffrrent from each other, one quiet and reserved,  one dark and looming, the other outgoing and optimistic.

Maybe that is what drew them together.  Bringing together balance. They didn’t see each other every day as they got older, but the love was still there.

Then it happened.

                                                                                                                                      The bond was broken.

The darkness for one was too much to bare…luring in even more darkness with drugs to numb the pain…until there was no more pain…or darkness…peace at last…but now what?

How can two people find that balance for each other when it took three to complete the circle? The circle was broken…oozing anger and hurt and despair of how to move on without one of them…

Life moved on…oddly and quietly at first.

One started life…marriage and babies and a home and happiness.

The other tried….tried and tried and tried so hard. That incomplete circle was reminding him of misery he couldn’t bare to face. That hole in his heart ached. It did for both, but one could mask any pain sent his way…the other…slowly began destroying himself from within. He masked his pain with booze, and smokes and bad relationships…

Even found marriage and a baby….and lost it all…because that circle was still oozing pain and fear and hurt.

These two stood briefly together again with hope that the circle was closing and the pain was so far in the past, that they couldn’t feel it anymore…one holding the other up and giving him strength and hope…

Was it enough?

Sadly, I don’t think so. I pray quietly that it is and will be enough to slowly have him rise above it. Not to let pain and suffering own him anymore.

There were three amigos…good times, smiles, and hope. Then there were two…and now, one will crumble without the other. Things in my mind happen for a reason. These two lost each other a long time ago, but not their brotherly love for each other…they came together again because they together will close that circle of pain and hurt…they will rise above this in honor of the one they lost…it has to be this way…it just has to.

Grandmothers.

 

They are good for a lot of things. Grandmothers.  They squeeze you tight at first sight. Sometimes too tight.  They slip you money that Mom and Dad weren’t supposed to see.  They smile even at the dumbest things you say.  They are Grandmothers.  Powerhouses of love…and not any kind of love.  A very specific kind…unconditional love.

These amazing women we call Grandma/Grandmother/Grammie/Nana are women of experience.  They have lived. And lost. At least the ones I know have.  They are beautiful in their own right, inside and out.  They built a life with their spouse through the hardest and best of times, and created the best world for their offspring that they could afford and manage…to teach them everything they know about how to be to be good solid parents to their children…

So that someday… they could be a Grandma or Grandpa.  Parents without grief.  Parents to smother with love, and occasional gifts and stories of the past to their grandchildren. 

As a parent of teens and little ones, I am starting to think this is the most coveted position involving family and children.  Grandparents can sit for hours and ask questions about friends, school, relationships and just walk away…not without caring.  But knowing that Mom and Dad have this…hopefully. That these kids that they call grandchildren will grow into responsible adults someday with memories of weekend visits with Grandma and Grandpa, and talks about the past to apply to their futures, and what was right and wrong when they were kids and be able to laugh at how different things are today…

Grandparents are a gift. 

I am writing this out of heartache for my amazing cousins who are saying goodbye to their adoring grandmother today…we don’t share this grandparent, but I immediately am drawn to write a blog for them because I absolutely dread the day…the day when we collectively have to say goodbye to our grandmother…the grandmother we share memories of good and bad together.  But that day is not today…today was their day to say goodbye to this precious woman who helped shape their mother and them into the successful, beautiful people they are today…I love my cousins and wish I could hand them the courage to get through this…but someone already has…their Grandmother.

Grandparents are a family’s greatest treasure, the founders of a loving legacy, The greatest storytellers, the keepers of traditions that linger on in cherished memory. Grandparents are the family’s strong foundation. Their very special love sets them apart. Through happiness and sorrow, through their special love and caring, grandparents keep a family close at heart. ~author unknown